It’s almost been a year since I posted, and there have been various reasons why I never did, mostly because my mental health and job security have been so fucking unstable. I THOUGHT this year would be a wind up to doing good things before my 40th birthday in 20 days, but it turned into one of the worst. Even worse than when my marriage ended and I struggled for years to crawl out of THAT good forsaken shit hole.
This past year started off with struggling to have consistent work with my job. I was put into a pilot program and I was really looking forward to trying it out! I had such high expectations. I started to have trouble with the internet with my work laptop, then the damn thing locked up. I went a week without it, and then fell behind in “training”, only to not have the proper programs installed on the newly issued laptop to even TRY to work. In March, my Dad died very suddenly and very unexpectedly from a massive heart attack, and our family had been reeling almost every day since then. It’s been almost 7 months and I’ve just really come out of the grief fog. And now I’m angry. I’m not angry at my Dad for leaving us-because he always said that he would die doing the things he enjoyed, and he did. I’m angry that people keep making excuses for the behavior of my mom because she’s grieving, and for my lack of grieving. I haven’t been able to really grieve because I’ve been taking care of her, and my kids. I’m not nice because I’m trying to be the rational one in all of this, and it’s so very unfair to me. My mom couldn’t stand being in the house so we moved. No one asked me or Deacon or Dayton how we felt, because that was our home too. I was left to clean out the house with my aunt. And at every turn I’ve been told no on how to handle things, but then told I need to grieve.
My relationship with Nathaniel has faded away into nothing more than a few text messages every day, nothing more than superficial bullshit. I have come to realize that I don’t think either one of us really knew each other at all, and that we both have prolonged the inevitable by hoping we could get through it, eventually.
Grief is weird. Grief is ugly. Grief is hard and draining and it is physically painful.
There is a void in my soul from the loss of my Dad, and I know it will never go away. I have seen the true colors of people in my life whom I thought were forever friends show just how selfish they are. I have seen people that I did not expect to step up and really hold me up through this shitty time in my life. I can never express the amount of gratitude and thankfulness I have for them every day. I have watched people let so much shit slide and not be held accountable and be fucking forgiven for their non-action and excuses, and I am frankly livid at it all.
I’m angry at the reaction and non-action of people since my Dad died. Family and life long friends included. And I’m fucking tired-physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted.
I have thrown myself into my newest job-that I started on my Dad’s birthday, and today I talked with my coworkers, who are my work family, about what my life has come to. I told them last night I was thinking about my life, and my birthday and how I wanted to make a Bucket List of things to do in a year for my 40th birthday. I need time to heal and take care of me, and to really live my life now. So there are things I know I won’t be able to do in a year, but there are things I know I could do, and things I will not ever do. I want to make my Dad proud in everything I’ve ever done and will ever do. So I think this is the best way to do it.
My Dad donated is body to the IU School of Medicine so that he could teach students going through medical school about a body that was a life long smoker, a functioning alcoholic with a cardiac history with no real warning signs. They were able to donate his corneas, and some of his skin for a baby burn victim, and I know that my Dad would be happy knowing he’s helping people now. So, if you’ve ever wondered about becoming an orange and tissue donor, let me tell you this:
You can save the lives of up to 8 people with your kidneys, liver, lungs, heart, and corneas. BUT! Did you know that you can help as many as 75 (SEVENTY FIVE!) through tissue, bone and tendon donation?? ME EITHER! So it’s not just the inside vital organs you donate, it’s the smaller things we don’t even think about that can help others too! Become an organ and tissue donor to help the lives of those you didn’t even know you could. Each state and country has their own donor network, and here in the states when you register at the BMV you can become an organ donor right there, and you’ll get a ❤️ on your ID that will let first responders know you are a donor. 1 person is added to the transplant list every 10 minutes. 22 people die each day while waiting for an organ transplant. 8,000 people die each year while waiting for life saving transplant. Talk to your family and friends about becoming an organ donor.
I’ll honor my Dad by becoming a Donate Life member and reach out to those who have been affected my donating and receiving organs. I hope to one day meet the people my Dad helped-both by his donation of his skin and corneas and by the soon to be doctors that will graduate from IU School of Medicine. Those are on my 40 Bucket List.