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I’ve been sitting here for over an hour and I can’t grab any of the chaotic thoughts flying around my head to pour energy into one particular subject.  So it may end up as a lot of chaos and nonsense….maybe that’s just what I need.  Just a journal post today.  I don’t really know.  We will see where this goes.

I’ve been doing really well with my daily stretching and walking.  I decided Tuesdays will be my cheat days-I had dark chocolate and my first Diet Coke in over a week, and I didn’t even bother getting dressed.  Wasn’t worth the effort.  A lot of my clothes don’t fit after my health scare and subsequent surgery.  I’m not complaining too terribly much-I needed to lose weight, but shit.  20 pounds in about a month is not the way I wanted to do it.  Not working has been nice, but it REALLY sucks having to depend on my parents and DB for gas money.  $20 doesn’t get far at all these days-especially since Vivi requires premium, and gas keeps going up and up and up here.  Fucking bullshit.  I don’t go back to the doc until the 20..and if I’m lucky THEN they will release me.  And since this health scare, it’s probably good I didn’t get my own place-I wouldn’t be able to pay my rent!  DB STILL hasn’t given me a fucking penny to help with the kids.  Fucking asshole.  Nor does he even try to see or talk to the kids during the week.  I’m doing all the arranging for the kids to see him.  I swear, he makes me want to commit egregious bodily injury to him.  I don’t like feeling this out of control and have this much pent-up rage against him.  GAH!

Communication with Texas has been limited at best.  It’s fucking hard to not hear from him.  I went three weeks without hearing his voice-and it’s so calming to me-and I thought I was gonna loose it.  I got sporadic messages on kik every few days or so, but I understand he has rehab.  Doesn’t make it any easier when there’s the radio silence.  We talked two weeks ago for about 30 minutes on kik and I was so happy.  It was hit and miss until last Sunday.  I got so damn lucky I had my phone on my person!  We got to talk for a few minutes before he went to work.  Hit and miss until Wednesday.  I made myself stay up, and low and behold!  He called me, too!  Oh, it was pure heaven for four glorious hours to hear him talk, and for me to talk to him.  He promised we would call me the next night…he didn’t, nor has he been in his tab.  That worries me so.  I need to stop self-doubting.  My friends keep telling me patience-gawd that’s a damn dirty word to me-and faith.  Texas is like my own brand of anti-anxiety medication..and he gives me lava belly.

WTH is “FAITH“??  I’m not a religious person.  I can’t grasp the concept of one “being” creating the universe.  Science I can grasp-the way things work, evolution, atoms, neutrons, electrons-all of that.  I had a friend tell me it’s not so much as a religious faith I needed, but to have faith in myself.  Whoa-now that’s deep.  So I’ve been trying to do more “internal reflection”..shit that’s fucking hard.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to be “reflecting” about!  “The Power of Positive Thinking” crap??  WTH…I’m just trying to make it through each day without loosing my cool at my kids, breaking down into a heap on the floor, or staying in the bathroom because I can’t keep anything down.  It’s too fucking much to do a lot of that shit right now.  One day at a time, just live in the moment, don’t worry about tomorrow.  My Gramma always said, “And This Too Shall Pass”.  My personal mantra since this shit storm happened is “I Am Stronger That I Was a Year Ago, I Am Stronger Than I Was a Month Ago, I Am Stronger Than I Was Yesterday”.  It’s been helping a little bit-more so at the beginning of the shit storm.  Maybe I should have more faith in Texas…??  I know he’s going through a SHIT TON of fucked upness that I am.  I need to practice the patience-fucking pain in the ass.  I really just wanna be with him as soon as possible.  “PATIENCE, SASS, PATIENCE.”  GAH!

I miss my kids when they’re gone with their dad-mostly because I don’t know what’s going on.  There’s that loss of control feeling right again.  And I know that they aren’t getting the things I think they need when they are with DB.  I took them over on Monday to see their dad-I did the arranging for that, and I decided to grab more clothes for me and the kids.  So I grabbed the laundry that HADN’T BEEN WASHED IN THE TWO MONTHS I HAVE BEEN GONE.  That’s so fucking nasty.  So I was a real bitch and pulled all of HIS dirty clothes out and left em there for HIM to do.  Not to mention I grabbed my kids’ nasty clothes.  I mean, fuck, really DB?!  What a fucking worthless parent.  Oh-and day got sick one night when she stayed there..and I found clothes on the floor that had sick all over them!  NASTY!  I mean, I’m just…I just can not comprehend how he thinks he’s better than me!  Wow, just, fucking W O W.

I’ve been listening to A LOT of Adele on shuffle and repeat.  Seems to help at times.  Other times I’ve got Pandora on, or perusing YouTube.  A few Adele songs have resonated with me…I wish I could just make my own mix…oh wait!  Looks like I fucking can!  Shit-I am SOOOO not Apple compatible.  Fucking iPhone…Looks like I’ll be working on my playlist tonight!  Maybe…I’m kinda tuckered out…a little bit.  Anyway…these Adele songs that really speak to me..when I’m walking and they come on, I sing at the top of my lungs and voice.  I’m just that passionate, and I can FEEL the place that I’m in when I hear them..I just let go and pour it all out there on the asphalt.  That’s where it needs to be-just out there.  Just like all this chaos of clutter in my head.

That’s all I need right now-just an outlet for all the shitty chaos inside.  No matter what it is or how I do it, I just need to get rid of all of this fucking bullshit.  I’m ready to work on a better me.  Only took me 34 years to get here.  Let’s see where the next 34 take me.

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