So, I’ve been quiet these past couple of weeks. I’ve tried to read to keep my mind from going crazy, but that meant I had to actually concentrate on what I was reading. That took some focus and serious concentration, but I was FINALLY able to read the two new books I have been DYING to read. If you must know-but I’m sure no one really cares-they were Jim Butcher’s “Skin Game“, part of The Dresden Files books, and Diana Gabaldon’s “Written In My Own Heart’s Blood“, part of the Outlander series. I read “Skin Game” in about 24 hours-a fairly quick and easy read, and it took me about a week to read “Written In My Own Heart’s Blood” as it is complex and a smaller type font-but both are SOOO GOOD! ANYWAY..
I’ve had a bad few weeks, emotionally speaking. I’ve been all over the map, but what I feel most is anger. I am angry at my husband at what he has done and what he hasn’t done for my children. I am angry that I have been put into a position that has made me unable to work and depend on my family. I’m angry that my job isn’t fulfilling me anymore. I’m just fucking angry at pretty much everything right now. I’m even angry at Texas for his frequent absences and long periods of radio silence. I am even angry at myself for getting into this fucking position. I’m my own worst critic, and I’m hardest on myself for the shit that goes on in my life.
Here’s the thing though-I’m ready to heal from all the shit that’s happened-in my life and in my marriage. I’m ready to move forward. I feel like people are holding me back from doing that. Telling me how to go through the grieving process and the healing process. WTF?! There’s no right way to do these things. Let me do it on my own, please. I know what I need to do, and I know what I want to do, and I know what I don’t want to ever do. I KNOW everyone means well, but fuck man, let me do this MY OWN WAY. It seems like all my life someone had told me how to do one thing or another-how to dress or style my hair. How to be a good parent or not to be a bad one. Do this for the baby, do that for the baby. Make sure you do this for your husband and you’ll have a good marriage. No one bothered to take the time to sit down with me and say, “Hey, how do YOU think this should go?” No one sat down with me and talked to me about really working on my marriage-or any relationship for that matter-and telling me the cold hard facts. It will be hard, and some days you will want to kill your spouse, that it takes a great deal of work from BOTH of you to make a marriage. Had I known that…hind sight is 20/20.
Now, here’s the catch-if I HADN’T been with my husband for this long, I wouldn’t have the friends I have now, the experiences in life to learn from. I DEFINITELY wouldn’t have my daughter, and I wouldn’t be talking to Texas. I have NEVER EVER lived my life in regret, for I think that everything we have done leads us to this moment in life for a reason. There are days though, where I seriously regret the ten years with my husband. There is a bright side to those years-I wouldn’t be who I am if I hadn’t stayed. I have learned so much more about myself in these past twelve weeks and four days than I ever could have IMAGINED! I always saw myself as a weak woman, but my god am I strong! Given my history, I should have been curled up on the floor shutting out the world. I didn’t have that option-I DON’T have that option. I won’t let him get to me like that. I won’t let him control me like that anymore. I am the maker of my life. I made that decision when I told him I wanted a divorce. I made the decision to let Texas in. We will see how it goes..Life is a BEAUTIFUL journey. I’m ready to enjoy it-again.