Ugh. JUST U G H! I have been an emotional basket case behind closed doors. After all the shit with DB, Texas and now Florida I really just want to throw a major hissy fit. I don’t fucking understand what in the hell is wrong with people-and these guys in general. After all the verbal and mental and emotional abuse from DB, the honeyed words from Texas, and now with Florida obliterating my defenses…and they all fucking LEAVE me. THEY FUCKING ABANDONED ME, leaving me to short through the shattered pieces of my already broken heart and life…FUCKITALL!! And the worst part-is I can’t get the damn closure I feel I deserve so that I can just move on with my life! DB is still trying to control me-and I’ll be damned if I let him. Texas just disappeared, so there will never be a finality to whatever it was that was there. Now there’s Florida…all the cryptic messages and conversations…all the “I Love You”s but “I can’t be with you”…taking the time to talk to my kids and make them feel included and special…I could SERIOUSLY punch someone or something. The most irritating, the thing that pisses me off the most is the cryptic text messages I got Friday night/Saturday morning… When I go to confront him and ask what the hell does it all mean he’s busy. I understand he has his own life and his own things to do. When I ask on two separate days if he’s got a minute and the second time all I get is a “No”, that just straight pisses me the fuck off. Now, this morning, when I say that my daughter hopes you have a good day, and there’s no response-for her-I am fucking enraged. My sweet, red headed eight year old daughter, that thinks of this guy as someone very VERY special to her all on her own, has pretty much put him on a pedestal, can’t say “Thank you” to her?? OH HELL FUCKING NO. It is one thing to piss me off-especially when I warn people from the beginning, “Do not piss me off, you will regret it”, and this time you completely IGNORE MY DAUGHTER?! Now I’m like a raging bull after the red cape. I am beyond furious. It is one thing to be shitty and mad at me, but when YOU say, “I care about your kids, and I will be there for them”, and all of a sudden you aren’t?! Fuck you buddy. FUCK YOU. There is a saying “Hell Hath No Fury Like A Scorpion Woman Scorned”…well they may have forgotten to add in the little part about protecting her young. I’m about two steps away from electronic stalking because I am SOOOO FUCKING…there is no word to explain how pissed I am. I don’t care about me-I will get on with my life. But my CHILDREN, whom have begun to see this man as more of a father figure than their “dad”….OOOOOOO, HELL TO THE NO! And people wonder why I am such a BITCH!! I’ll figure out a way to get closure on this, you can be DAMN sure about that.
Saturday we had a Sister’s Night. It was myself and my blood sister, her sister-in-law and her sister. So you can say we are all sisters by marriage. ANY-WHO, we all FINALLY got together for some MUCH needed girly gabby time. I will say there was quite a bit of alcohol consumed-and I think it was me that was the winner, ha-ha-and quite a bit of hilarity ensued that night. And of course there was some complaining, but at least it was all honest, and my blood sister has the best husband, so her complaint was VERY minimal if not non-existent. *Love you Sis* Sis #2-by age-left around 3ish, and the other sisters got ready for bed, and as I was snuggling down to sleep, my FB Messenger dings, and it’s a really old friend from high school. I haven’t talked to this friend since…..1998/1999, so that’s…15 or 16 years. Lots of reminiscing went on, some deep conversation, and some quite revealing as well. We talked the rest of the night, and said friend passed out around 930 the next morning. Poor lil ole me didn’t get to sleep until 1 pm, and I was lucky enough to get a 2 hour nap. So I was up from 29.5 hours. I’m not complaining in the LEAST bit, because I have HELLA fun! Said friend and I talked a few more times Sunday after they finally got up. After that, it’s been quiet from their camp. So now it makes me wonder….
Here’s the thing about me. I put myself out there. Yes, I run a HIGH chance of getting hurt-obviously, my track record speaks for itself. The thing that I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HATE is when someone tells me they care about me in some form or another, then they disappear or take it back-like it’s a game of Euchre-which I cannot play. This shit just pisses me off. You don’t get to sit there, and have me open up and be fucking VULNERABLE and honest and day what you THINK I want to hear, then vacate my life. NOT FUCKING COOL. I would rather you be fucking honest with me-without someone feeding shit into your ear, or leading me on, or anything to that affect. It’s complete and utter bullshit all the way around. I am a big fucking girl and I can take care of myself. You don’t fucking like me? TELL ME. You THINK you love me, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. I am TIRED of getting hurt. I am TIRED of loving the unlovable. I am TIRED of letting people in only to get used. It NEVER fails-when you need me, I’m there. First sign that I need you-POOOOF! Faster than Houdini y’all are gone-GONE. I’m done with it. DONE. D O N E! I don’t fucking understand WHY people have to BE like that! It’s no fucking wonder the world has turned out like it has. Everyone thinks they are fucking ENTITLED to anything and everything WITHOUT WORKING FOR IT! Listen up assholes-THAT’S NOT HOW THE WORLD WORKS! It takes effort and work and time to get the outcome you desire. I can sit here ALL FUCKING DAY and tell you “I want to be an ER Nurse”, but that’s not going to get me a job in a hospital. I HAVE to go to school and LEARN AND EDUCATE MYSELF to become a nurse. I swear, if my hands weren’t so damn little I would play the guitar. It just won’t ever happen-I cant get my little hand around the neck to play the chords. I’ve resigned myself to that fact, and I’m OK with that. That’s why I have family and friends that play so I can live vicariously through them. God or whatever high power you believe in blessed me with my voice-and it’s fucking POWERFUL, not gonna lie. My range is shit and I could REALLY use some conditioning, but that isn’t a priority right now. My kids and my sanity are. So for now, I will “karaoke” in my car and record it and plop it on YouTube. My daughter has fun with me, and that’s the most important part.
I Kinda forgot where this was going…Oh yeah! People fucking around with me-just DON’T. FUCKING. DO. IT. I have no desire to cause people unjust and unnecessary pain. I don’t want to see people suffer in anyway, shape or form. It’s cruel to me, to watch someone break because they put faith in someone or something because they were led to believe it would be a good thing. I know a friend of mine and I are both on the same page-be fucking honest. Don’t bullshit or hint or be vague or cryptic. Say it or don’t. No half-truths. We don’t have time for any of that shit. We both have kids to care for, and we aren’t looking for “playas” or “bed warmers”-though some days it would be nice…we want something that is REAL and genuine. We are both willing to fight and work for it, but not if it’s not for real and honest. Don’t waste our time, and you won’t endure our wrath when you fuck us over. You have been warned.