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I’ve been having a rough couple of weeks emotionally.  Nothing new, there.  I kind of went into it in my last Post “Scorpio Scorned“.  Well, last week I ended up writing three letters to the three men I mentioned, and I then burnt said letters.  The last one I wrote and burned was the most difficult and hardest thing I think I’ve done since my Ma’s funeral.  I recorded what I did and then posted it on my YouTube channel-I’m trying to document and heal in the best way I know how.  Well, this morning after pretty much a week of uneasiness and just not feeling settled after I burnt the letters, I decided to send Florida a text message.  I knew he blocked me from every aspect of his life, but I just thought, “I HAVE to try..I need some kind of closure from this.”  I can’t have another Texas on my hands.  I CAN’T!  I was beyond shocked when he replied to my message, though of course he didn’t recognize my number.  There were 2 messages of small talk-he asked about the kids and I told them they are having a hard time, which they are.  This man promised my children he would be there for them.  Anyway, he wanted to know why I messaged him, so I told him I don’t know what I did to make him so mad at me that he felt he needed to erase me from his life.  He told me that talking to me hinders his relationship so he had to put an end to it. </3  I never ever wanted him to choose her or me.  I was willing to step back and let him have to space he needed.  He could have told me that instead of just erasing me, as if I were a few bits of data that can just disappear with the click of the mouse.  He could have been honest with me, and I wouldn’t have had to deal with this awful GRIEF I have been going through.  I told him that my kids miss him-they are both having a VERY difficult time trying to understand why the SECOND significant man in their lives would just vacate and not be concerned about them.  It hurts to see my daughter listen to her special mix of songs from him.  It hurts to watch my son struggle because he doesn’t have a strong man to talk to him about the things he’s going through.  He promised me-PROMISED ME-that no matter what happened between the two of us he would be there for my kids…and he is just like every other fucking man that I let into my life and heart-he fucking lied and he fucking left.  And it fucking hurts so god damn bad.  Florida broke me wide open and he lied to me.  He is like every other fucking person that has given me hope and a reason to love and trust-they all fucking abandon me, and that makes me feel like utter and complete shit.  And it fucking sucks and it fucking hurts.  I had to get some kind of closure-for myself and for my kids.  I told him thank you for what he did for me.  All I ever wanted was for him to be happy.  He will never know the immense gratitude I feel for him, that he will always-ALWAYS-have a very special place in my heart and in my life.  I will always be a friend to him, whenever he needs one, and that I will always care about him.  I know that this isn’t me, that this isn’t my fault, that there wasn’t any one thing I said or did that made him shut me out.  This isn’t the man that I grew to know, the man that opened up to me and told me things that he never admitted to anyone.  This is master manipulation behind the scenes because she knows she fucked up, and she will do anything and everything to ensure that she will eliminate any kind of friendship that she feels is a threat to her.  This is not the man I know and care for talking to me.  I only hope that one day he can see I am not like her in any way.  That I was willing and able to share a life with him-no matter how long or short it is.  I still hold on to that hope-because I am a fool, and I fool that loves recklessly and unconditionally and without restraint.  All of this because I have a pure love, and a pure innocence of life.  I won’t ever change that.

Which leads me to the real reason of my post.  I have decided to deactivate/delete my Facebook account.  I go through my news feed and it is all utter shit.  UTTER SHIT.  No one has really given a shit about anyone else but themselves-and I don’t care if I piss someone off by saying that.  It’s all one or two lines and bits and tiny glimpses into each others lives.  We all are Judgey-McJudgingtons, and we all say we are sorry for whatever someone is going through and offer an ear to talk to.  But no one really gives a flying fuck.  And I am tired-FUCKING TIRED of being that person that will drop whatever she’s doing to be there for her friends and family.  And I’m FUCKING TIRED of people telling me that if I need anything to let them know-and they are always late to respond or are busy.  Fuck that.  You fucking make the god damn time or you DON’T OFFER TO BE THERE.  I am fucking sick and tired of getting my hopes up and talking to people and then those people acting like I don’t exist the next fucking day, or week, or month!  I’m mother fucking D O N E with it all.  I don’t need to fucking scroll through every one else’s bullshit when I’m going through my own.  I’m sick and tired of people showing the “sunny and happy” sides of their lives-because it’s all fake as shit and I’m fed the fuck up.  I have never, and I will never sugarcoat anything to make people happy.  I’m not going to sit down and be quiet and not rock the god damn boat because you can’t fucking handle it.  I’m going to live my life my way.  I’m going to heal my life MY WAY.  I’m not fake, I don’t pretend to be something or someone I’m fucking not.  I refuse to fit in the little god damn fucking box society and the media portray we all need to be in.  I don’t care any fucking more if I offend or upset you.  This is me-Shannon Rae.  I can really count on my hands the number of real friends I have in my life-ones that aren’t family-and that’s 1-ONE.  We talk every fucking day and we support and encourage, and we cry and yell with each other.  That’s the kind of friend I have always wanted and I have fucking deserved after all the fucking YEARS I have been there for others and they didn’t give a flying fuck about me when I needed it.  You really learn who your friends are when you are at your most broken.  I am so fucking thankful I have my best friend.  She doesn’t judge me, she doesn’t bullshit me, and she won’t lie to me to make me feel better.  THAT, my fucking acquaintances, is a fucking FRIEND.  To my family, I really do care about you and I wish you all the best in your own lives.  To everyone else-good luck in whatever it is you all do.  I could really give a fuck anymore.

 

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