So, I have been absent from WP. For almost five months I’ve been silent, not really living life, more like going through the motions of life. Taking my kids to school and picking them up five days a week-which I do not mind-adds up to a lot of miles and gas usage for my car. I have a 2001 Volvo V70, and she’s the best vehicle I’ve ever had. She has 235,xxx miles and I STILL haven’t run her into the ground! Trust me, that’s saying a lot..if you all knew the way I drive…ANYHOO…
After my last post WAAAAAAY back in September I did a lot of, not soul-searching, but centering myself to be more receptive of things in my life. I really started to just focus internally and FEEL things, like an extension of myself. I started picking up on a lot of bullshit from people, and I started calling people out on that shit. Made me a “bad person” because I wasn’t gonna sit by and let shit go, or let it be swept under the rug. That’s when you really learn who has your back in life. So I started to make my circle smaller. Not a bad decision, really. After Florida, I became pretty leery of people and what their TRUE intentions are/were.
So, I went on my first date in October with a pretty cool guy that an old coworker set me up with. He’s an interesting person. I learned how to play RISK and Euchre from him and his cousin-which is saying alot since they were both pretty inebriated that night 🙂 I really wanted to get to know him, but he kinda freaked out and put the brakes on that. That kinda pissed me off. Oh well. After all is said and done, I have a pretty cool friend that I hope is still going to the Bush/Theory of A Deadman concert with my on February 14. Yes, I KNOW it’s “Valentine’s Day“, but we don’t have that kind of relationship, so no worries. If it all comes down to anything, it’s an “Anti-Valentine’s Day” day. 😀
I FINALLY got a job in November that I LOVED! I was doing activities at a local memory care facility. I was walking for about 8-8.5 hours a day..not complaining one bit! All of my medium scrub pants were getting too big! AND I now weigh about as much as I did when I was pregnant with my daughter nine years ago. Well, new management came in and shook the tree, and they let me go. Not going to go into specifics, but I will say they let me go ONE DAY before my 90 days were up. There were some allegations, but when I asked for the proof and specifics, I was side-stepped. That’s the kinda shit that burns me. No worries, KARMA my dear followers!
I turned 35 this year-and it was probably the shittiest birthday on record. I only got a handful of “Happy Birthday” messages, I helped my daughter and mom make and decorate my red velvet cupcakes. I grabbed one of my Cinnful Angry Orchards-or one of my Angry Cinnful Bird as my dad refers to them 😉 It was also the end of Daylight savings, so my 35th birthday was technically 25 hours long…it was AWFUL…because I realized OMG I’M HALF WAY TO 40! Don’t judge-I know some of you have done the same thing. SO I took my hard cider into the bathroom and I cried. Don’t judge, don’t comment, just “Let It Go“!
On November 23, I got a PING on my phone from FB messenger…and it was a ghost of my past. I literally had to sit down at a table in the dining room, and NOT throw up. It was Florida. After I had let go and made peace with things that did or didn’t happen, he just POOFS back into
my life-our lives. OOOO I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pissed. I mean, SERIOUSLY! I was ok up until that moment…but that PING opened the flood gates that I thought I had buried, concreted and bricked over, flooded, collapsed-you get the idea. Nope, turns out I just IGNORED IT ALL. Stupid, stupid, STUPID, Shannon. S T U P I D. You have to realize that the impact and affect this person had-HAS-on my life is so great, that I figured if I could ignore it, I could function “normally”. HA! Boy was I DELUSIONAL! Anyway…we pretty much talked EVERY DAY up until a week ago. *Don’t worry, you’ll get the full scoop in another post*
December was good. The kids had a WONDERFUL Christmas. I was FINALLY able to buy them gifts-my niece as well-and not have to hear about it from DB. I had to work Christmas Day-which I don’t mind. I always try to have Thanksgiving off, as it’s our big family holiday with my brother in laws family. I worked on a project for my peeps, and it looked like the elves of happiness puked all over the area I was working. There was glitter EVERYWHERE! Even IN my nose-not on, but IN it. That’s some festive cheer right there y’all! I sent Florida some pretty nice things that meant a lot.
January-ah January….my daughter and I spent New Year’s with my parents in front of the fire. She was asleep by 10:30, and I shared a champagne toast with mom and dad. Florida called me later that night-freaking Sprint service was SOOOOOO shitty that it took me like TWO HOURS to send a handful of “Happy New Year” messages. Bullshit. So, January 2, I booked a weekend away in Florida. Yes, I went to Florida to spend time with Florida. It was an amazing weekend away for me-away from the cold and snow here in Indy-and to be on the freaking beaches and with my feet in the Gulf of Mexico. I want to go back so bad!! For someone who lives land locked, and sees and feels the ocean, it’s not something you can really describe the first time. The Sunday I left was probably one of the HARDEST and MOST DIFFICULT decisions I have EVER made. I seriously felt like I left a piece of me there. *More later* I made it back to Indy, to the cold temps and dulled down colors of the Midwest, and I’ve really been miserable. I HATE the cold-like despise it with a passion. Florida started limiting his conversation with me. I got fired Thursday. I drank a 1/4 of Crown in 2 hours, and I’ve done nothing but cry my heart out in private at night. I’m not sleeping, and when I do sleep, I dream of water. I’ve had more water in my dreams the past two weeks than in my entire dreaming memories. I’ve been thrown completely off kilter, and I can’t figure out if that’s good or bad yet.
I’m really trying to not freak out-which is damn near impossible to do. I’m worrying about my kids, and finding a job with hours that work with the schedule I NEED to take them to school. I’m freaking out because all the plans I thought of were going to come to fruition have POOFED into thin air. DB has gone BEYOND new levels of lows when it comes to his lack of involvement with the kids. I’m struggling with my son and his issues at school-from the staff and from his lack of care about even participating in most of his classes. I filed for unemployment Thursday, but I have a feeling it’s all fucked up. I need to run out to the office of my older job to see if my W-2 is there…damn rock is rolling downhill, but it’s a slight decline so it hasn’t picked up speed yet. I need to go sit with my grandparents again…they are the only one’s that I can talk to without judgement. I miss them all.