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Since I had been so absent from WP, I had to go back and read what I posted.  Geeze it’s all chaos…and for that I apologize.  Not profusely, but I do apologize.  I realize I SHOULD post about the last three years of my marriage, but I’m not emotionally there to do that.  There’s too much anger when I think about it-and I really need a level head to write about it.  So after the “Crown Incident of 2015” I picked myself up and brushed myself off and started doing what I need to do to take care of myself and my kids.  I’m looking for a job-networking and such-and I got my unemployment letter which basically says I won’t get anything-oh well, keep trudging along.  I’ve updated my resume-it was two pages long, and apparent No-No, and I’ve helped clean more since I’m not so damn tired.  I also am seeing my therapist and Psych Nurse more often since my calendar opened up-ha ha.

Now for the “Super Fun Let’s Ruin Shannon’s Mood” part.

I went to my cousin’s after the Super Bowl-no I didn’t watch-and she and I and her boyfriend had a LOOOOOOOOOONG conversation.  Some things were revealed to me that made me so fucking mad I had to breathe and focus on NOT upending the table.  I mean, some of the shit that my “family” has said…I’m not EVEN going to get into it here, I’ll just say that I am stable, no decisions I have made have made irrationally or spontaneously, that I have thought about the consequences of my actions, and I have had such IMMENSE personal growth that BOTH my therapist and Psych Nurse are VERY proud and impressed with the person I have grown into today.  I was so very upset that I tried to push Florida away after a very long and deep conversation Sunday.  He doesn’t deserve that. *More on Florida later*  I got in to see my therapist IMMEDIATELY on Monday-thank the good lord and Allah and all that you believe in for cancellations.  I told her what was going on and I thought she was going to fall out of her chair.  She was BEYOND shocked at the revelation that I was told.  How in the WORLD can you…i mean, REALLY?!  So, I just told Florida I needed some head space, but I won’t be very far away.  Yesterday, I FINALLY went to see my grandparents grave, and I talked to my Gramma-and I cried, HARD.  *Don’t criticize that I talk to my Gramma at her grave.*  I’ve been trying SO HARD to talk to the people around me about the shit I’ve been through, how I’ve dealt and growing, and no body wants to fucking listen.  So my gut alarm started going off-that intuition that I fucking ignored with my husband.  I KNOW that mother fucker is up to something.  He’s THAT kind of manipulator.  YOu want to be “concerned” about me NOW?!  PFFFFFBT.  HAHAHAH!  You fucking JOKE!  Two can play this game mother fucker.  My ONLY concern is for my kids.  I come next.  Life is gonna be a BITCH for you, I can promise you that.

So, I’ve just got a lot on my emotional plate, but I’m not letting it crumple me like I did before.  I take a moment out, I take a breath, and I focus on a way to attack the situation in a positive way.  I’m not going to let a bump in the road wreck me anymore.  I refuse to give it that power.  The power I have to focus is in me, it’s a light I never knew I had until this September.  I have to thank Florida the most for that.  For believing in me when most didn’t-and still don’t.  I’m the only one responsible for my happiness and my kids happiness.  I’m not sacrificing myself for everyone else’s appeasement anymore.  I won’t ask for permission to live my life.  I am 35, and I am taking care of my kids, and I am living for me for the first time in years-if ever.  And my kids too, don’t think I’m not*  I’m finding out that I have priorities and things that can wait, and I don’t need to sweat the small stuff anymore, that it’ll all work itself out in the end. 🙂