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I’m finally in a place where I can tell the last three years of my relationship and marriage to DB. Sheesh I had to go back and read what I had written.

In July I lost my job from the home I had worked at, filed for unemployment AND was planning a wedding pretty much by myself.  My mom helped with the flower arrangements, I made all the invitations, painted and cute and hole punched and stamped and made NUMEROUS trips to FedEx office to get the type setting write for the invitations and directions.  I was ALSO getting things needed for the purchase of the house.  We looked at a lot but I had TWO stipulations-hardwood floors for accidents and a fenced in yard for the kids.  Db’s stipulation-a big ass garage.  Really?! LOVE to see where YOUR priorities are, fucker.  I did EVERYTHING for the wedding alone-tuxes and flowers and photographer, asking my cousins to get married on their property, calling my future in-laws and so on.  I was already thinking to myself, “If it’s like this NOW, how will it be when there is something BIG that happens?”  My gut/intuition alarm was going off like crazy, but I ignored it-I thought “I’m just over reacting, that it’s probably me being crazy.”  No, I wasn’t.

We got married on a Sunday at my cousin’s property in Kirklin, IN.  I woke up and it was raining-apparently this is good luck.  I saw it as a bad omen.  I cried because I only wanted my Gramma, my sister put on “Twilight” for me-it’s like Xanax for me, and us girls got ready.  Then drove up to my cousin’s property.  I will admit this here and now that I had a HUGE overwhelming urge to run.  I wanted to run away and not get married, because I felt-I KNEW this was not the right thing to do.  No one asked me if I wanted to do this, how I was really feeling, if I was ready.  I wasn’t.  I wanted to be like Julia Roberts in the movie “Runaway Bride”.  You know why I did it?  Because I was so worried about what everyone else THOUGHT and not what I NEEDED.  I was AFRAID-afraid of what everyone thought of me, afraid of what DB would do to me if I left, afraid of disappointing everyone.  Turns out, I only disappointed myself.

We didn’t even get a honeymoon.  That should have been a HUGE clue, too.  I continued to get all the proper and necessary paperwork for the purchase of the house-which was an out-right nightmare.  I wasn’t REALLY looking for a job, but I was.  I just wanted to be a mom and a wife.  My “husband” never contacted HR to let them know we had gotten married, so I had to wait until January for insurance to kick in..dumbass.  So by the time it kicked in, I was pretty close to snapping.  We had yet ANOTHER fight-about how I was a worthless person that doesn’t do anything, how I but all the financial burden on him, blah blah blah.  I was FINALLY able to see my therapist at her private practice, and a new psych nurse, and they have been my saving grace.  But seeing them came at a cost-do I keep my sanity, or pay the electric bill and get gas in my car?  This is where the financial abuse really comes into play.

I had no idea until this summer that what I went through was financial abuse.  It was SOOOOOO SUBTLE, that you will NEVER know it’s happening.  I paid gas, water, electric, MY half of the car insurance and ALL of the childcare, and gas for my car.  He paid the mortgage, truck-BEFORE his dad helped pay it off *more on that later*-his bike and his insurance for those and his cell phone, and gas for the truck and bike.  Now-keep this in mind, when I work he made TWICE what I made A MONTH.  HE averaged $2,400 a month take home.  I MIGHT get $1,200.  And I was given $100 every pay period from him to feed 4 people-including food for the kids lunches for school.  Don’t ask me how, but I made it work.  I fed us to the best of my ability with $100, while he ate out EVERY DAY for lunch at work.  While I had $5 deducted from my paycheck for lunch when i DID eat.  When my kids’ lunch accounts went into the negative because we had NOTHING to send to school to eat.  And I was the one that couldn’t budget her money, because I had to pick and chose when to pay “my” bills and when I had to BORROW money from my husband.  Yes, you read the right-I HAD TO BORROW GAS MONEY FROM MY HUSBAND.  All the while, he sits in his office chair after work, playing on his phone, buying bike parts or registering for track days-and he would talk to my MOTHER about these track days before talking to me.  How’s that for awful?  My father-in-law helped my husband pay off his truck-but my father-in-law thought HE was paying the truck payment and my husband using HIS truck payment money for the family.  No, not in the least bit.  My husband DOUBLED his truck payment to pay it off early.  When my father-in-law found out, I really thought he was going to beat his son.  He told me after our separation that had he known, he would have given ME the money to spend on the kids.  I fucking broke down.  He’s a good man, and my mother-in-law is an amazing woman.  I couldn’t ask for better in-laws.  But wait-THERE’S MORE!

We had been married about a year when I was informed of his Craigslist activities.  Yes, my dear peeps, you read that right.  My “faithful” husband was on Craigslist, looking for sex.  The worst part of finding out?  My cousin, told my cousin, who told my aunt, who told my SISTER, who told MY BROTHER-IN-LAW, who told me.  How’s THAT for some embarrassing shit?!  Let’s just say, this wasn’t the first and ONLY time he put up these ads.  I’ve caught him on quite a few OTHER occasions-because he really is an idiot.  Not only did he put ads on Craigslist, he cheated on me at least ONE time he has admitted to.  And would you BELIEVE he used our friends as cover.  After he was caught he did the “I love you” “I want to make this work” schpeel.  I should have left then.  Stupid me.  Then enters “The Night All Hell Broke Lose”

There is A LOT that I haven’t mentioned, but just know this-My children and I were NEVER EVER EVER touched physically by this man.  But he kept us all prisoners in our home with all the verbal, mental, emotional, psychological and financial abuse.