So, I’ve been super emotional the last few days up to about a week. Things have just been downright fucking awful. Riding this fucking emotional roller coaster and I REALLY want to get off this damn thing. I’m not letting shit get to me during the day, but at night, when I go to bed i fucking cry. I cry my heart and soul out. Here’s why.
After I came back from Florida he became distant. I kind of expected it, but I didn’t expect him to pretty much cut me off again. He told me he needed time and space, and I was doing my best to give it to him. I didn’t like it-I STILL don’t, but I have to respect that he asked for it. This goes with communication, and I’m still not used to it, honestly. What makes it hard is when he calls and tells me his misses me and acts like he never wanted the space. The night of the “Crown Incident of 2015” Florida calls me-and I am drunker than shit-and asks why I was drunk. I told him I got fired, and he tells me to go outside and look at the moon. I was kinda mean to him, and it wasn’t meant to be, but I was like “WTF? WHY do you want me to go outside? It’s like 20 degrees here.” He just told me to go outside and look at the moon, so I did. Don’t ask me how I got out there, I don’t really remember. I look up and I tell him it’s cloudy, and why am I outside again? He says, “I want you to know that I’m with you, right beside you.” I didn’t know whether to sit in the driveway and cry or throw up. I managed to bob-n-weave back inside and I told him that when he calls he makes it really hard for me to respect the space and time he asks for. I got super emotional on the phone with him, having verbal vomit that was needed but I don’t remember much of it. I tried to talk to him the next few days and it was pointless really.
I talked to DB on Friday about losing my job, and he wants to be a concerned “friend”. PFFFBT. Florida is even more distant-I expected that after my drunken emotional state. We kind of talk last weekend, and I just told him to let me go, let me fade into the back ground and let me be a wonderful memory of a beautiful weekend together. He says he can’t let do that, that he can’t let me go. I’m so frustrated and confused. I admit my confusion and fear to him about things, and I’m just as messed up as he is. After ALL that we have gone through separately and together, he starts to run. It’s his pattern, I don’t hold it against him.
MY cousin invites me over after the Super Bowl and she and I and her boyfriend have a REALLY LOOOOOOONG talk, and some things were said that have put me into hyper-vigilance mode. I feel like Professor Moody from “Harry Potter” “CONSTANT VIGILANCE!” It’s made pretty fucking paranoid, really. But I’m not letting this shit keep my down, and I’m not curling up into a damn ball and shutting myself out from the world. I’m picking myself up and laughing in everyone’s face as I show them I’m not the same bitch I was before. You’re words aren’t gonna make me crumble anymore. So this past Monday I saw Jane, and told her about the conversation I had Sunday, and told her how scared I am about things, but she’s reassured me that I’m OK, that what’s been discussed can’t happen, and that people are just stirring the pot. I’ve been kinda distant from everyone, protecting myself and my kids, and just trying to take care of what needs to be taken care of. I talked to a coworker about any place that was hiring, called the place she was just at, and went Friday and filled out an application and got an immediate interview. Crossing fingers, toes, pubes and eyes everything comes back great. This job has weekend option-Saturday and Sunday, 16 hour shifts with $2 more an hour. That works with the kid’s school schedules AND lets me be available for anything that arises when they are at school. Downside, they will go with their “dad” every weekend-BUT, it could be a good thing. It means he will have to be even MORE involved, which the kids need.
So, I talked to Florida on Friday night, and I’ll be honest, I miss him. I miss him BAD. He’s my best friend. He doesn’t bullshit me, I know him better than he knows himself, just like he knows me better than I know myself. We can argue and spit nails at each other, and there’s not animosity or grudges held at the end of it because it all comes from a real and honest place. There’s no judgement between us. We are both loyal and emotional and passionate. He said he would call me back Friday night, and I let him know when I was available, and he sent me a text message saying “I don’t even wanna talk to u anymore” The only thing I’m finding out is he’s more loyal to himself…and that fucking hurts.
Even after EVERYTHING, I won’t give up on him when there are other people whispering doubts in his ear-because no matter what, we will always be in each other’s lives. Don’t ask me how I know, all I can say is that I’m listening to my gut, my intuition, to not give up on him. Because I won’t ever be able to forget those wolf eyes I saw in person, and they saw through to my soul and beyond. His wolf eyes will haunt me…