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So I’ve had a pretty lazy and emotionally shitty week.  Time feels as if it’s slowed down to gelatinous ooze mode.  I can’t seem to get motivated to do anything positive.  The weather here is grey as grey can get.  I have ALL these ideas I want to put into motion.  And I’m realizing that everything I want to do is just an escape from all the shit going on with me here, right now.  I see Jane in a few hours, and I can feel myself DESPERATELY hanging on until I talk to her.  I’m not suicidal or super depressed, I just feel really lost.  I feel like I’ve put on a front for EVERYONE, and I fucking hate it.  I hate that I can’t be myself because NO ONE wants to really listen to me as I talk about the things I’m feeling.  I’m an emotional person.  That won’t EVER change.  I’m a talker.  I talk about EVERYTHING and NOTHING.  It’s how I process all the crap I’m going through.  I went and sat with my Gramma yesterday before going to pick up my daughter, and all I could do was sit there and bow my head and cry.  It was a gut wrenching, drooling, gag-inducing cry-and I needed that.  But I don’t feel better.  I was helping my son with some school stuff, and found some rather disturbing note/drawing he did, and I had to have a SERIOUS discussion with him about things.  I finally had to talk to him about why I expect him to do well, and all this shit that I shouldn’t have to discuss with my almost 13-year-old son because I want to protect him, but I know I HAVE to let him grow up.

And then my phone rings…

Mother fucker are you KIDDING ME?!  What do you WANT Florida?  Some shit was said, I had to clarify some things, I had to REALLY bite my tongue on EVERYTHING else.  But in the end, we still can’t let go.  Neither one of us…and that’s probably a toxic thing to a lot of people, and a co-dependency issue to others.  But we both said we are just taking care of ourselves right now, and that’s all.  He keeps asking for time, and I’m gladly giving it.  I’m not calling or texting or Facebook stalking.  Not my thing-and it’s so not cool.  I’m just focusing on my and my kids.  That’s all I CAN do-all that I NEED to do.  I’m sick and fucking TIRED of people and family telling me what the fuck I need to do.  God dammit I’ve had all these fuckers telling me for YEARS, and look at me.  I’m thirty-fucking-five, and my kids and I live with my parents.  My credit is shot, I can’t keep a job, and I’ve been so damn co-dependent on everyone that I’ve finally figured out that THEY are just as co-dependent on ME.  It’s fucking time to break the cycle.  I can finally get my shit together to take care of my self and my kids and be HAPPY without a fucking man in my life.  My happiness doesn’t have to be dependent upon a fucking man-like I’ve been taught, and so many of my family members seem to think.

I can break that cycle of dependence from my family…

But I can’t break the cycle of Florida…

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