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So I’ve been feeling the blanket of depression trying to smother me.  It’s always a gradual feeling that sneaks up on me.  It sucks because you never know it’s there until it’s usually a full blown depressive episode.  I am counting myself incredibly lucky and blessed and aware that I could feel it trying to shove me under into the blackness of the water.  I had to take my son in to see his counselor so I told the receptionist that I needed to see Kathy ASAP.  I said, “You’re gonna have to squeeze me in, rearrange someone appointment, because I’m BAD.”  My grandparents must have been looking down and standing beside me because I got in that day.  There was a cancellation at 4:30, so I sat and waited for 90 minutes to see her.  And I unloaded on her.  About everything that has happened since I went and visited Florida.  And I cried and I had verbal diarrhea.  She wanted to know when I saw Jane again, and I told her Tuesday.  She was pleased that I was making and keeping my appointments with Jane.  I’ll be honest-I REALLY need to talk to Jane.  There’s so much chaos in my head from so much lately…she’s amazing in that she lets me figure shit out on my own.  She doesn’t steer me down a particular path or to a certain answer.  Anyway, Kathy wanted to know why I wasn’t on any meds and I told her it was because I couldn’t afford them.  I had to choose between my bills or my meds.  Pretty shitty, isn’t it?  So she’s having my try the Latuda.  I’m up to the 40 mgs, but I think that’s too much, because I’m starting to exhibit mania “symptoms”-I’m cleaning incessantly, talking fast, can’t stay still…  I see Kathy Tuesday and I’ll tell her I want to go back to the 20 mgs.  It’s amazing that within the first few days to a week I felt 75% more clearer-the fog and blanket were pretty well lifted and gone.  Now I just need to see if insurance will cover it since she gave me samples.  Crossing my fingers that they do.  Jane is aware of my new med and is impressed that I’m doing so well so fast.  Just wish I could get all this fucking chaotic shit out of my head concerning Florida.  I’ll post about that later.  I’m writing him a letter that NOW spans 12 pages-6 front and back-and there is STILL more pouring out of me.  Jane said something that is pretty profound-especially since she lets me work it out on my own.  She said, “You don’t have to forget the memories.  Hold on to them, and revisit them.  It was a happy time in your life and you don’t have to forget that.  You should look at it that he opened you and let it be the spring board to getting back into life.  And be grateful and thankful for that.”  I seriously had to sit there and soak that in.  never has she given me such blatant and honest advice.  And she told me to write until I can’t write anymore, and if and when I’m ready, I can send him the letter I’m writing.  So maybe I will send the letter, maybe I won’t.  I know that the Latuda is helping with the clarity, and I’m teaching myself to let go of things in myself so that I can be the better me.

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