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teeter_balancedSo, I’m sitting here and I’m reading my posts and reading other blogs that have liked my posts and following new blogs that have liked my posts, and it has come to be like a fucking light bulb that I haven’t told you WHY I’m in such a shitty emotional state.  I can’t bring myself to really do that at the moment as I will probably crumple up into a heap on the floor.  This lack of sleep on the weekends really fucks with my BP 1, but I’m sucking it up and I’m thanking my lucky fucking stars I see Kathy tomorrow.  I’m just a fucking mess.  I slept for about 14 hours today- SOOOO thankful my mom took the kids to school today, and they got up and ready without incident.  Are you SURE these are MY kids?!  Anyway…

I ended up having an anxiety attack in my sleep that woke me up.  Lemme tell ya that’s the most fucked up thing I have ever had.  I know what it is from and it sucks.  Lack of sleep, the Latuda, and my currently precarious emotional state.  It may not be helping that I am listening to Florida’s Mix on Spotify, but it’s the only thing that brings me SOME relief.  I can’t sleep in the dark, so I sleep with my desk lamp on, and his mix playing quietly by my head while I fall asleep.  This weekend was the first time I’ve dreamt and remember SOMETHING about them.  Most nights it’s like I’ve blocked the dreams out when I wake up, or I’m so out of it I don’t dream.  It sucks and it’s scary.

How can things go from so perfect to so fucked up in such a short time?!  Oh yeah, my emotional and apparent honest state came into play.  Why can’t people handle honesty when they ask for it?!  FUCK.  I’m not a rational person.  My heart and my emotions rule EVERY decision I make.  I’m not going to change that now just to fit into someone’s idea of the “status quo” and society’s idea of what’s fucking “NORMAL”  Here’s something to ponder my good followers:


Think about it and let it sink in!  People with some form of “mental illness” are the ones that pushed the envelope, challenges and changed things in this world!  They weren’t ruled by the rational part of the brain!  Maybe the crazy ones are the ones that are afraid to live and try, they’re the ones that keep their head down and don’t challenge anyone or anything.  Sad, really, that these are the reasons I’m considered crazy and everyone else is normal.  PFFFBT

See what I’m dealing with, the constant up and down and all over the place?  Just imagine if you had to feel what I’m feeling.  This Bipolar Coaster ain’t fun right now-I can’t even enjoy life at the moment.  The only thing that makes me feel happy is Fiora the Skunk on YouTube via BuzzFeed  “It’s so FLUFFY!”  OK, all the animals that I see on BuzzFeed make me feel happyish-then I cry because I miss my dog.  SEE?! I’m not even on the Bipolar Coaster, I’m on a fucking teeter-totter, and it seems to be gaining momentum somehow.  Fuck.  Fuck fuck fuck Fuck FUCK.  I just want to run away to Florida and sit with my feet in the sand and ocean, and wear my summer clothes and not fucking THINK for 2 fucking weeks. And see a Manatee.  And eat gator.  And see the Everglades.  Is that TOO MUCH TO FUCKING AS FOR BIPOLAR?!  Pain in the ass…now I need to eat my Thin Mints and cry.  Great.


*Dreamt is the most common British version rather than the “American” version of dreamed.  I must have been British in a past life.  I do love British humor and all things Great Britain…I’m in the wrong country.