I hope this med increase works…I’m tired of being all over the place. It’s like I’m rapid cycling or even having a mixed episode the way I’m constantly up and down. There are many reasons why I am, and I don’t know if I can bring myself to write about one of the reasons…in the end I’m sure I’ll have too, but that ONE FUCKING REASON HURTS. It hurts beyond any measure that’s ever been in my life. More than natural childbirth-which really is not that bad. More than the death of all of my grandparents combined. Worse when the justice system let me down as an 11-year-old girl going through the traumatic experience of the legal rat maze when I was molested. Worse when my husband blamed me for the demise of our marriage that he never wanted and for his constant cheating ways. I’m not ready to talk about that one reason yet, because I will end up on a heap in the floor, and probably freak my mom out. Sigh. So maybe I will talk about all the other things that are sending me into chaos.
When I went to see Kathy a couple three weeks ago I was pretty close to desperate to get out from under that blanket of almost depression. So, she started me on the Latuda. Mind you, I had fought the depression and tried to wait until my appointment yesterday, but I didn’t want to fall off the fucking ledge. I knew if I fell, I’d require hospitalization, and I can’t have that. Not right now. So, I started on 20 mgs of the Latuda, and upped to 40 mgs. It has helped with the weighted blanket, but shot me into hypomania, which isn’t too bad, but it’s the crashing I can’t handle. Or the back up and the crash and back up. I feel like I fucking yo-yo that can’t quite reach the peak or bottom out. I’m not even in that stable area that takes the peaks and valleys out.
I’ve had cleaning fits with the hypomania-I’ve rearranged the linen closet-shhhhh! I threw away fabric my mother forgot about, pull ups from when my son was a toddler-he turns 13 tomorrow-and worn out bed sheets from our first house when I was younger than my daughter is now. I dusted and cleaned, removed the old analog tv and replaced it with the digital tv for the new bluray player, vacuumed, swept AND steam mopped and cleaned my bathroom. I’m trying to keep up on laundry-which is a lot with my two kids and only 2 sets of scrubs for my job. Now when I think of all the things I SHOULD do vs. what I NEED to do, I get overwhelmed and just listen to Spotify and get lost in my music. I creep the Internet all day, looking at BuzzFeed videos of animals, because frankly, they make me happy. I stay off of Facebook as it is a trigger and I get disgusted with all the shit people put on there. So BuzzFeed and WordPress are my things I do.
I’ve tried to write a little every day, too. There’s nothing but utter chaos in my head. I feel like there’s a fly buzzing madly in my brain landing and flying off before my brain has a moment to realize “There’s that fucking fly!” It’s weird. Yesterday I felt like my body was in SUPER slow motion and my mind was going “faster than a speeding bullet”-hahaha, and today it’s the opposite. My mind feels like it’s squelching through mud while my body is going about 300 miles an hour. I can feel my limbs shaking as they try to run away from my body. Yesterday I would feel my mind move before my body did, and today is the opposite. I just from subject to subject in my mind, I can’t keep up with everything running through it.
I’m so stressed from a variety of things that it’s turning into anxiety, and my anxiety manifests as anger and irritation and yelling. I can’t get the support I NEED, and I can’t god forbid I try to get out on my own because I’m “not stable”. It’s a fucking double-edged sword. My kids and I need our own space. If I’m going to be ignored while I’m going through this fucking transition, then I might as well be on my fucking own. I’m planning for Florida and apparently a 2 month window for this is moving too fast. REALLY?! I’m changing for the better and NO ONE fucking sees that. If you want to hide from this shit, then don’t get pissed off at me because I’m trying to fucking move on from the shit that’s kept me fucking down for years. I’m so fucking sick and fucking tired of this bullshit. I was so fucking exhausted on Sunday from work and lack of sleep that I fucking broke and cried the entire way “home”. I heard a song, and that was it. Tears galore. I remember driving and just repeating “I don’t want to hurt anymore.” I thought I was going to have to pull over and just sit there until the tears dried up. I don’t even know how I made it “home” really.
I am tired of hurting. I am tired of feeling like a train on the tracks fighting her way uphill to keep having her wheels slip and slide and move in place. I am fucking tired of being fucking ignored then chastised for how I deal with my personal shit. I can’t talk to anyone about what I’m going through. Besides Jane, of course, but I pay her and I really want someone to just tell me that it’ll be ok eventually. It’s gonna suck for a while, but EVENTUALLY, it’ll be ok. Not great or even better, but ok. My best friend isn’t talking to me-she’s got a new guy in her life, which I think is great. But I didn’t ignore her when I was talking to and spending time with Florida. This is what hurts so bad-that I have big heart that is always caring and giving, and when I need those hands and hearts back, I’m alone. This is how cold people become who they are. They’re tired of giving and giving and giving and being left out and ignored when they need it in return.
I just don’t want to hurt anymore..