Confusion, Daily Journal, Dealing, Dreams, emotional state, Emotions, Florida, Free Writing, Friends, Friendship, Healing, Heart Ache, Heart break, Honesty, Hope, Journal, Life, Living, Loss, Love, Moods, Reality, Relationships, Turth, Understanding
Have you ever had a connection with someone who no matter how close or distant, no amount of time or space can separate you from each other? Think of the late and great Robbin Williams in “What Dreams May Come“. This is the kind of connection I have with Florida. I will go into the deepest and darkest parts of his personal hell to save him, and he’s already gone through some of mine. He comes to me the most and the strongest at night in my dreams. The other night when I came home from working a split evening/night shift I felt and I swear I SAW someone in the back of the truck. It kinda freaked me out at first, but then I reached out and I sensed who it was. I laughed out-loud a bit, and I talked to him all the way home. He didn’t leave when I got home. As soon as I walked into the door my daughter said, “Mom?” “Yes baby-girl. Why are you awake?” “I felt someone touch me, like this, and I woke up. I think it was X.” “You know, you’re probably right. I think he rode home with me to make sure I got home safe to you and your brother.” “Oh, okay.” And we went to sleep. Friday night, after taking a pain pill from my broken tooth-another post-I swear to the Lord above he was in my room, watching me, from the corner by the closet. He was mad-PISSED actually, because I was talking to a guy friend in another country. So I talked to him. I told him he can’t be mad. He made his decision. He knows where I am and how to get a hold of me. I love him and I miss him, he has my heart as no one ever will, but he can’t be shitty if I’m trying to live my life here in Indiana. He’s in Florida, and he has all the things HE needs to do, and I have all the things here I need to do. I don’t hold it against him, but it doesn’t lessen the amount of hurt that I feel. And he was just there, glaring at me, arms crossed, and I said fuck it. I eventually cried myself to sleep, and I felt him change from jealousy to hurt and remorse, and pain, and love. I swear he whispered in my ear that he loves me. I KNOW he loves me, it’s just a REALLY fucked up situation ALL the way around…god I want to explain it so BADLY here, but there is just SO MUCH background that I haven’t gotten too yet…
Anyway…I’ve had quite a few dreams where he’s there, calling for me, asking for help. It’s SOOO fucking HARD to NOT text or call to see how he is…because I know he will flip and get pissy-not because I’m asking how he is, but because of the other people in his head that have made me out to be the bad person…I’m trying to get into his dreamscape and save him, the man who I know is being held down…god damn I love him so fucking much it physically HURTS being apart. I feel him with me, touching me, holding me, watching me, waiting for me. Call me crazy or whatever you want. MY gut or intuition or psychic being or whatever you want to call it is so fucking in-tune with his that no matter how hard I try to break it, it is indestructible. I waited almost 3 months before. I’ll wait 3 years if I need too. I know he is my other half, beyond my soul mate. He is everything that is important to me, the third most amazing person to be in my life, after the births of my children. I KNOW that doesn’t happen to most people.