, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m already having an emotional morning.  I woke up at 7:49, and was upset that I didn’t sleep in longer.  The kids are on their first day of spring break so I was HOPING to sleep until 9 or later…damn you mind for working on overtime!  I had another water dream-big shock there-and this one was REALLY weird…it involved someone jumping off a bridge into a cold river, water slides and colored foam and colored water and the water was warm until the very end where I had to go through a “holding pen” that had a wheel that “scooped” ice out of the pen…it was fucked up.  I was hit by the realization that I had a dream of flying into Tampa-when I was TWELVE!  That’s 23 years ago, and so I started thinking of Florida and the other part of my dream that was like a maze and ComiCon and a bad weekend at college…and I cried.  BBF finally text me back after I sent this HUGE long text message about the connection Florida and I share, and all I got was Sorry, I meant to respond, drove all day, My heart breaks for you chicky.  That made me feel like shit on TOP of the already shitty wake up feeling I have.  I replied with a “S’ok about yesterday”.  It’s not ok.  It’s not fucking ok because I need my best friend to talk too and she’s wrapped up in her new bf that moved up to Alaska and I feel like I’ve been shoved aside and I never did that with her when I was with Florida and I’m just so fucking tired of being hurt by people who SAY they care about me and love me.  I started a pot of coffee, started soaking the dishes-the dishwasher is busted so it’s been hand-washing dishes for over a year and I don’t mind-and I took my meds and I’m listening to Seether on Spotify.  And crying.  And drinking coffee and tea.  And working myself up for my 16s this weekend…why is it a bad thing to wanna curl up and cry?

I’m at the point in my life that if people are going to ignore me then why the fuck am I here in Indiana?!  I don’t want to be here anymore.  I’m not fucking happy here anymore.  Nothing is keeping me here.  All emotional connections I had here are gone-and they fucking disappeared the weekend I went to Florida.  I feel this constant pull-not a light tug, it’s a pull like I’m hooked up to a suped-up diesel truck trying to drag me to hell pull-to get to Florida, and I don’t know if it’s because of Florida himself, or if it’s time that I started a new book in my life.  Could be both, could be neither.  Could be the BP acting up.  Who knows?!  But Jane agrees that starting over isn’t a bad thing for me and the kids.  Just so fucking tired of being treated like a fucking child, being over-ridden as a parent.  My parents HAD their time to raise my sister and I.  They weren’t around because they had to work in order for us to survive.  I’m not upset about that.  But they aren’t going to raise my kids.  I ride my kids’ asses because they weren’t there to raise me.  My sis and I raised ourselves.  I don’t want my kids to end up like me-35, no real education and living at home, again, depending on parents to survive.  I’m trying my best to give my kids the skills they need to live and survive in the world.  Fuck I’m a god damn mess-sorry if I offend you today.  I’m probably gonna spam your feeds with posts, that’s how upset I am, guys.  Lemme just cry for a bit.  I won’t be ok today, but maybe tomorrow I will.  I hope.