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These past couple almost three months since I have been Florida’s physical presence have been HARD. The distance apart has been a physical pain, a throbbing and constant ache that can’t be soothed. The only time it eased is when we talked, and that became less and less. I expected this. I expected him to pull away, to turn to those bad habits that he is used too. He’s a Young Gun, and we are 1,028 miles apart and our age difference REALLY bothered him-but not for himself, but for the approval of his family he has always so desperately sought.
Then there were the accusations that began to fly. The questioning demeanor he began to have for me, towards me. I had to ask myself MANY times, “Where’s the man who knows ME??” Why are these people who know NOTHING about me or the intensity and depth of our relationship planting such seeds of doubt and sorrow into his heart?? The only thing I came up with OVER and OVER with: Jealousy. These people are jealous of the ease at which we can be honest to each other. They are jealous of the reality of our love for each other. These people are JEALOUS of our fucking HAPPINESS. That’s when the remaining part of my heart broke-not for me or us, but for Nathaniel.
It broke for the man I know who always doubted himself and his worthiness to BE loved and DESERVING of that love from someone who didn’t need anything from him but his honesty, and his true self and heart. It fucking broke because he will always think he will never be worthy of good love, true love, REAL and HONEST love. He continues to accept the love he thinks he deserves, which is less than nothing. I know why he feels this way, and it will never be my place to say.
I finally realized why such a large part of my heart was torn from my body and left in such a beautiful place in Florida on January 18, at 3:30 pm: because he took the part of my heart that was damaged and darkened, diseased even: so that I could heal and become healthy and whole again, and Accept The Love I Know I Deserve.
And for that, I am forever thankful to him.
*Last meme created by your one and only Sassafrass