My dear friend Zoe at Volatile Stability nominated me for an award, and I want to respond and thank her for it…but there’s still just the emptiness. I can’t even be a little kinda sad that I don’t want to attempt it. Fucking sucks. I can’t even think properly to link her blog here. *Void takes the anger*
I’ve got squat today. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. You get the picture.
The thing is…I still WANT the motivation. I have tried ALL DAMN DAY to will my motivation into action, into being. My will is empty too. It’s all fucking empty. Because of Saturday. And missing Florida. And being overwhelmed by the emotions that rode over me in waves. Crushing, smothering, soul sucking, breath-taking waves. And they are still lapping at my feet. The water I see is clear, and it’s warm on my feet-crazy. I’d thought the water would be cold and muddy, murky. It’s not. It’s the gulf water I feel and see. And I’m taken back to the weekend in January….
God why can’t I be left alone?! It’s ALWAYS creeping back in. The overwhelming happiness and all that accompanied the weekend…oh god will I feel anything NOW?!
Nope. Still a void…emptiness…it’s like the vacuüm of space. Just floating around, out of control, where ever it sends me. No predestined place. Just there.
I have these two fortune cookie “fortunes” on my screen “Your present plans are going to succeed” and “A shooting star will bring you good luck tomorrow.” I’ve had these here for months…and I think they are lies. DAMN LIES! Right now I even doubt Jim Carrey’s “Ask the universe and you will receive” speech. I’ve asked and asked and fucking ASKED…and I haven’t gotten shit. I’m quite a bit pessimistic right now. Negative Nellie, right here! Not even Fanny May Mint Meltaway ice cream has lifted my shitty emptiness. I know that even if I go to bed, I’ll just lie there, looking at the ceiling, waiting for SOMETHING to run through my mind, some emotion to take control of my body. I hate this “feeling.” I don’t even wanna listen to music. I don’t wanna anything.
I feel like a fucking black hole has formed in the center of my chest, sucking all the light and happy away…it’s a fucking Dementor. I can’t even cast my Patronus. There’s no happy memories right now to conjure. Just emptiness and the void.
I want something other than this…