After my horrible emotional day Saturday I ended up crying myself to sleep and I dreamt of Florida. This is the first time I’ve been emotional inconsolable since we haven’t talked. This is where the dynamic of our relationship was when I needed, he provided. I provided little tid-bits for guidance and encouragement to him, I being his musical muse and support. He was the one to talk me off my emotional cliffs, to give me stability and assurance.
I was just so distraught Saturday I actually turned my phone off because I wanted so fucking badly to call him, and because no one else was there. I was so far in the rabbit-hole that knowing no one was just checking on me made it worse. I text BBF, but she’s been so wrapped up in her new BF that moved to be with her I’ve been pushed out of the car. I told her I was feeling like shit, that I was having a bad day and it took her 4 hours to respond “What’s wrong?” “Everything and nothing. It doesn’t matter” 30 minutes pass. “Bullshit it don’t matter.” “Sass….what’s wrong?” So I turned my phone off because I felt like I wasn’t important-again. I know it’s petty, but still. The whole length of our friendship I have never not talked to her through my guy exploits. All the times I skyped and kiked and texted and talked to Florida she was always the first person I went to or I was talking to her while he and I talked. I never chose him over her. I feel she’s chosen her new BF over our friendship, that I’ve just been pushed aside. And it fucking hurts.
I tuned my phone off for a couple hours because I was just in the rabbit-hole. I turned it on and I had a text from another friend that moved to Nebraska for work-we met at therapy last summer and I love her!-so it was nice to see that for once someone reached out to me instead of me reaching out. She asked how I was and I just said “Meh” “Meh?” She knew something was up. I’m not a one word person. So I talked to her a little bit and was kinda talking to BBF but it was more one sided than a concerned friend conversation. So a rattled off all the stuff I was feeling, and I ended with “And I miss Florida” and cried myself to sleep. I dreamt of him.
He held me a calmed me and comforted me and settled me and loved me and I woke up feeling that loss. After the emotional fall Saturday, now I wake up with the hole in my soul that I have been trying to make less noticeable. Do you know how fucking HARD that is?! To meet someone and have them utterly complete you, your true other half, soulmate even, that can make everything just make complete sense after all the crazy shit in your life? To have someone that knows when you’re hurting before you do? To have that kind of connection in your life….then lose it? For awhile I’ve been doing ok, coming to grips with the decisions made-it fucking hurts. I lost so much after having so little. And then to have a day like Saturday, and the ONE THING that would help settle me is gone. To dream of it, to wake and still feel the heat from his body wrapped around me like the safety of a cocoon, his kiss lingering on my skin, and then reality slapping me in the face. And too top it all off, I got no reply text from BBF at ALL yesterday. I thought “Please god not another repeat. I can’t take it.” Somehow it changed…not sure what or how but it did. I almost didn’t go to Easter lunch yesterday. My own blood sister didn’t talk to me-that was fucking awful. I talked to my “sister-in-law” and told her what was going on. She said she could sense the tension. I told her apparently everyone else is an expert on my life now. She has the same conclusion about Florida and his age-who fucking cares? I took 48 hours out of 9 miserable fucking months for myself to hang with a friend. I fucking needed that. I need to take care of myself every once in a great while so I don’t end up in the fucking hospital-AGAIN.
Where was this going??
Oh yeah-my empty spot. I miss him. I thought I didn’t, that I was ok with the decisions we made. I’m not. I don’t think I’ll ever be ok. I have to keep working on this. I’m a VERY emotionally charged creature. Every decision I have ever made is based on some emotional undercurrent. I fall in and out of love very easy. But this?
This is FAR from easy…