After I returned from Big O this morning, I had to move.  Keep my hands busy and my mind engaged with something that I am always way out of my depth in.

I got my hands dirty playing mechanic.

Now I didn’t do major shit.  I checked the tire pressure of all four tires and added air to all of them.  Not an easy feat to do with a jacked up shoulder.  After that, I decided to check bulbs.  Vivi has a message center that lets me know when I need to check something, or if I have a blown out bulb.  So I started with the bulbs in the back.  It wasn’t easy-thank gawd I have small hands that are nimble and allow me to get where they need to be without much limitation.  I found 2 burnt bulbs out of 8-not bad.  One was giving me fits so I decided to get my trusty owners manual out.  Then I decided to check fuses.

On Vivi I have 3 places to check fuses-under the hood, on the front left side of the dash, and in the cargo area.  She’s been telling me for ages to “check brake light” so I checked the fuses.  All the fuses in the back were great.  My trunk latch finally unlocked!  TO THE HOOD!  I found one blown fuse-OF COURSE it’s the one for my ABS-THAT TWO FUCKING SHOPS NEVER THOUGHT TO CHECK FOR.  DERPPY DERP.  ON TO THE DASH!  I found another burnt out fuse there-this one for the sprayer for my rear window wiper.  Again-NONE OF THE MECHANICS IVE TALKED TOO EVER THOUGHT TO CHECK FUCKING FUSES! In both instances it’s was a wiring or hose issue that could be thousands of dollars.  *Facepalm*

Finding those fuses actually made me happy.  Like, I screeched in excitement.  So I figured I’d check my headlights as well.  They’re good.  I even checked my air filter.  I was kinda irritated because when I pulled Vivi into the garage, the guys at Big O FORGOT TO PUT THE CAP BACK ON TO MY RADIATOR FLUID.  SERIOUSLY GUYS!  Don’t worry, I called and gave Spencer a piece of my mind.  A 2 second thing…AAAAARRRGGH!

Anyway..when I have to do something like this, something out of my comfort zone-and I have positive results-I feel good.  I feel like I’m invincible.  I feel strong and independent and like I don’t need anyone to help me.  I’m not some poor helpless female-I’m not a lady or a ma’am, and I never will be-and I feel like I can conquer anything thrown at me.  Like the shitty emptiness that’s been trying to oppress me.  I know when I have days like today, I’ll get through it.  Because no matter how big or small the job, I’m not fucking helpless.  There’s gonna be really bad days, days that feel like they’re gonna drag me to hell, but I’ll get through them.  My hands make my mind, my fucking brain, engage and think about how to problem solve.  There are days like today, where my hands do all the work and make my mind think of other things and reasons to be happy and proud and not give the fuck up.  

All because of my hands.