Well, it’s 9:37 am here in gloomy Indy and I’m feeling something today.  I feel shitty.  I’m starting to feel negative, angry emotions, but it’s something.  I felt empty when I woke up, but I soon began to feel numb.  I’ll take numb over empty.  I didn’t even really get mouthy when I drove this morning.  THAT’S something right there to indicate the lack of emotion I’m not feeling.  *I’m a road rager.  I hate stupid people.

I had to drop my Not So Little Man (NSLM) off for detention this morning, so Monkey got to sleep an extra hour. I took a shower-only because I didn’t want to sit and stare off into space and continue to feel empty.  I WISH I could say I FINALLY felt ANYTHING, but, alas…zip.  It’s like this body is still on auto pilot.  Fucking sucks.

I took Monkey to school and stopped at the store.  I needed more of my favorite lotion-Jergins with Shea Butter, deodorant-I’ve been using the emergency shitty stuff, and I wanted a new watch.  I saw one the other day, but even with 20% off, I couldn’t justify the purchase.  The watch I wanted was still there, and I said “Fuck it,” and grabbed it and went to check out.  I also found a new drying mat to put under May’s bowls instead of a bath towel.  Check out and LOW-AND-BEHOLD!  The watch was only $5!  FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS!  I actually smiled at that, and I got a little warm fuzzy.

Now I’m at Big O having the radiator checked.  I feel a little flustered, but it’s not like I’ve got anywhere to be.  Hell, at least flustered is a feeling, too.  (Ha, the guy behind me is getting a show).  And here comes the emptiness…I can’t fucking win.

Why, April?  WHY?!

I’m still trying to wade through the stuff about Florida.  I swear I heard him singing in my car this morning.  I know and I’ve accepted our connection.  All I want is to be happy.  And peace.  For my “New Year’s Resolution”, the only thing I asked for was peace.  Pretty vague but specific at the same time.


And so it continues…