Well, it’s 9:37 am here in gloomy Indy and I’m feeling something today. I feel shitty. I’m starting to feel negative, angry emotions, but it’s something. I felt empty when I woke up, but I soon began to feel numb. I’ll take numb over empty. I didn’t even really get mouthy when I drove this morning. THAT’S something right there to indicate the lack of emotion I’m not feeling. *I’m a road rager. I hate stupid people.
I had to drop my Not So Little Man (NSLM) off for detention this morning, so Monkey got to sleep an extra hour. I took a shower-only because I didn’t want to sit and stare off into space and continue to feel empty. I WISH I could say I FINALLY felt ANYTHING, but, alas…zip. It’s like this body is still on auto pilot. Fucking sucks.
I took Monkey to school and stopped at the store. I needed more of my favorite lotion-Jergins with Shea Butter, deodorant-I’ve been using the emergency shitty stuff, and I wanted a new watch. I saw one the other day, but even with 20% off, I couldn’t justify the purchase. The watch I wanted was still there, and I said “Fuck it,” and grabbed it and went to check out. I also found a new drying mat to put under May’s bowls instead of a bath towel. Check out and LOW-AND-BEHOLD! The watch was only $5! FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS! I actually smiled at that, and I got a little warm fuzzy.
Now I’m at Big O having the radiator checked. I feel a little flustered, but it’s not like I’ve got anywhere to be. Hell, at least flustered is a feeling, too. (Ha, the guy behind me is getting a show). And here comes the emptiness…I can’t fucking win.
Why, April? WHY?!
I’m still trying to wade through the stuff about Florida. I swear I heard him singing in my car this morning. I know and I’ve accepted our connection. All I want is to be happy. And peace. For my “New Year’s Resolution”, the only thing I asked for was peace. Pretty vague but specific at the same time.
And so it continues…