I don’t think I’ll ever be able to escape them. My dreams. I blame talking about the things that affect me in my waking life.
I saw Jane yesterday. I am always honest and open about how I feel, and how things affect me, trigger me.
I’m trying DESPERATELY to let go of SO MUCH and I just don’t know how to do it in healthy ways. I blog. I write and burn. I listen to music. I watch TV. Now I’ve started a video diary. Jane is proud of the positive and healthy coping mechanisms I’m using, but some days…it just feels futile. Some days I feel like I’m just drowning in my emotions and I don’t know which way is up. I take those days one day at a time, some times only hour by hour. That’s all I know to do: SURVIVE.
Last night my dreams were jarring. I dreamt of DB and Florida. I know why, too. Even after AAAAAAALL of the bullshit with DB, I still love the man who I know is in there. Pathetic, isn’t it? And I know it has to do with the abuse. So please don’t tell me about the roles and shit. I know what it is. I don’t need a trigger today. Then the Florida part, that was messed up. The girl he started to “date” after I came back here sent me a text saying she was concerned about him, so OF COURSE that worries me, so down I go into THAT rabbit hole… Let’s just say I woke up sleeping in a STRANGE position, and I felt him with me. I feel him with me again, more and more. I can’t escape him in my dreams or in my waking moments. And don’t tell me that it’s not possible and it’s a figment of my imagination. I don’t need that trigger either. I’m on a fucking precipice today, seriously balancing on the point of a blade. All it will take is a teeny tiny push one way…
I need to eat, but the thought makes my stomach revolt at the idea. Today I’ll be living on my yogurt. I just hope I can keep it down. I just took my meds and I hope they improve my downtrodden spirits soon. I hate feeling like this. Every little thing puts me on edge, wanting to cry, scream and yell. The constant roller coaster of bullshit it wearing on me. I don’t want to listen to music, then I do. I want to finish binge watching The Following, then the thought of the TV on makes me teeth hurt. Fucking rapid cycling. I’m so tired of it…
It’s inescapable. It’s all inescapable today. The emotions, the dreams, the feeling that I’m never alone right now. Where’s the peace? Where’s the happy? Where’s the fucking STABLE?!
It’s all fucking nowhere to be seen or heard…stuck on the hamster wheel of misery right now. And I think I’m just going to wallow in it today, at least for a few hours while the house is quiet.
Because it’s inescapable.