Oh God, it hurts.  It hurts so bad…so fucking bad!  I WISH I could say it’s the emotional pain right now, but it’s not.  It is the actual PHYSICAL pain I am in right now that makes bamboo under my nails and hot pokers in my eyes sound like a reprieve from this awful shit.

The ortho doc wants to do an MRI with dye-and he REALLY didn’t want to be pushed to this.  I have like ZERO stability in my shoulder.  I made the mistake of changing my pt appointment because of Monkey’s Walk-A-Thon today that I volunteered for.  I did pt at 730 with a different therapist.  She was great, don’t get me wrong.  She even taped my shoulder up-which was fucking AWESOME…at first.  By the end of Monkey’s class time for the Walk-A-Thon, my shoulder was KILLING me.  I thought it was because of the extra exercises the therapist had me do-and she did a bit more, and pushed me past my limit, but it’s not her fault.  I thought taping my shoulder would help-but it was only for a little while.  All day my shoulder ached and throbbed and stabbed and generally made me miserable.  I decided to take the tape off-I had it on for about 8 hours.  My shoulder has gotten so sensitive to the pain that when I pulled the tape off, I thought I was pulling my skin off.  HOLY FUCK!  You could see how bad my shoulder is, how unstable it’s been!  You can see the droop between my shoulders.  I pulled the tape of and the pain decreased, but it hasn’t gone away.  It seems to be settling in my wrist of all fucking places.  I feel it most on the underside of my arm-from my boob through my armpit, down to my elbow and into my wrist.  This isn’t good.  This isn’t good at all.

I’m freaking out that I might have to have surgery.  I mean, Cheesus can I get a fucking break?!  I’m already shitty that I’m out 142 hours of work.  I had to cancel my trip to Florida.  I JUST put $600 into Vivi, and the problem I took her in to get fixed JUST STARTED AGAIN.  NSLM’s principal is telling me I can’t let my kids attend the schools they’re in NOW because we don’t live there-nvm the fact their dad does and he is doing his best to be involved.  I will NOT be bullied by some asshole.  I talked to the SUPERINTENDENT of their school district and she was BEYOND helpful, and I can’t thank her enough.

But for the love of all that is holy, will someone PLEASE just take this pain away?!  I want to cry I’m in so much fucking pain.  And I have a high threshold-as apparently red-heads do-and this is…just awful.  I feel like I did LAST year about this time….oh god..

I wanna call him…I need to call him…the panic is starting to creep up and choke me again…I can’t breathe…I can’t swallow…I’m starting to feel choked and smothered…I can’t…I can’t do this…….

I need him