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To come down.

Again.

Blast it all.

Saturday was fucking marvelous.  I was in a stable mood.  The tears were tucked safely in their ducts.  I smiled and laughed and actually felt and MEANT to do those things.  I thought of Florida and I didn’t get sad.  The pain was bearable.  Both the mental and physical pains.  The weather was cold and rainy, but I was the opposite.

Weird.

Today, I’ve been feeling myself backsliding.  The weather was beautiful-for an Indiana April spring day.  Chilly, a little breezy, but sunny.  The sky was blue-that blue a shade lighter than Tiffany, blue.  I opened the windows.  I watched movies with my kids.  My phone was quiet-expected, as it is every day.  I watched Guardians Of The Galaxy and cried.  I watched the movie DB brought over last night, Interstellar, and cried harder.  He and I had a brief but good conversation about that.  Sacrifice.  It’s a VERY intense movie.  Two hours and forty-five minutes.  I needed a nap after I watched it.

Maybe that’s my problem.  The intensity of the movie.  I mean, it is INTENSE.  A good blogger friend said their brain hurt after watching it.  I kind of had a feeling it went where it did.  I cried the hardest because of one word.  SACRIFICE.

That got me thinking of my entire relationship with DB, and how he never really understood what I have sacrificed for my kids.  That for years I have told him over and over and OVER, “When you have kids, you don’t get to do what you want to do when you want to do it.  You sacrifice that.”  I only hope now he really gets it.  He said it made him cry.  Good.  Then I got to thinking down a really precipitous path…

Maybe.

What if…

Damn my head and ears for hear those two thoughts.

And that scares me.  Because I know, if he says he wants to try to work on our family, our marriage…I’ll go back.  And I’ll go back because I fight for what I believe in.  And I’ll go back because even after EVERYTHING….I still love him.  The man that I always believed in, is still there.

Wtf is wrong with me?!

I’m a hot fucking emotional train wreck.

I made a video for Florida this morning…I kind of made my peace with everything…but it doesn’t change the fact that I miss him and I love him.
Fuck I should have watched the movie FIRST…

 Because out of all of these, I only took 3…
I took my “pain pill”, my latuda-the small white one, and one dark orange one.  3 out of 8.  Backsliding.  Intense movie…Waaaaay too intense feeling so….brain failure.

I’m clown shoed right now.

Because I just don’t gaf.  It is what it is.  Can’t change a leopards spots.  Blah blah blah blaaaaaaaaaaah.  This is the danger zone.  The PTSD is coming back-choking, smothering, too loud, too sensitive, too intense everything.  Sleeping with the lights on, doors open, not staying asleep, blacking out and not knowing if I dreamt or not.  I’m scared. My dog…I want to take her for walks and enjoy her company and I can’t.  I want to hide away from the world.

Where’s the trigger for all of this??!

The hamster hopped off the wheel and is hiding somewhere in my brain.  I’m not good.  Not good.  AT.  ALL.

The train isn’t even spinning its wheels right now.  The brakes are on, and they’re sparking down the tracks as we slide…

Not good.  Not good at all.

I hate the big to-do before the mediocre, at best, party…because it’s the fucking cleanup that gets me.  Every. Stinking. Time.

No more ramps anywhere.

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