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It’s too quiet.  I need noise.  Which is a usual deviation for when I’m agitated and I need complete silence.  It’s too dark.  I need light.  I feel dirty and so I need a shower.  I just took one Saturday, but that feels like months ago.  Damn I get so tired of cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.  There’s popcorn from NSLM on the couch.  He’s 13 and needs to clean up after himself.  More dishes in the sink.  Clown shoes.  I STILL haven’t folded a load of towels from Saturday.  Around and around for the 4th time in the dryer they go.  I’m too antsy.  I don’t want to stay at the house, but I don’t want to take May with me because she’s whining when I don’t roll the windows down in the car so she can pseudo stick her head out while I drive down the road.

I told you.  Agitated.

I took my meds.  5 this morning.  2 trileptal, 1 I can’t pronounce, 1 birth control-hopefully not the one I found on the floor this morning, but who cares-and my vitamin.  So you can stop harpin’ on me to take my meds, harpies 😉  *I love you all*

It’s 10:30 and I want a freaking bacon cheeseburger and french fries for breakfast.  Clown shoes.  I’m gonna have it, anyway.

Agitated.

Agitated=anxiety?

Possibly.  All I know is I’m on edge.  I feel like my teeth are being forced to scrape down a chalkboard.  I’m tensing up for something.  I’m gritting my teeth.  I have a headache.  I’m extra whiny and bitchy and I want to stab people with grapefruit spoons if they look at me wrong.  I want to be outside, but it feels too much like fall and I don’t WANT it to be fall, it needs to be fucking spring because everything it green and flowering and beautiful, and I want to go swim but I can’t because my shoulder is fucked up and I don’t know when I’ll get this MRI and I’m freaking the fuck out because I need money to take care of my kids and my car and ohmygodimworkingmyselfupintoapanicattack

BREATHE…INEEDAPAPERBAG

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCCK

Panxiety has come a knockin’….Shit.  It’s come a bustin’ my door down.

My skin is crawling like it’s electrified.  My hearing is amplified and I’m trying to bring my shoulders to my ears and it’s not working…my teeth are gonna break from gritting them together.

I just text Cute Neighbor Guy….it’s a distraction.  Anything right now is needed.

Agitated.  And hungry…no.  I’m HANGRY.  ARRRRR! *Scary lion roar*

I had to step away and fold the laundry.  I feel a bit more settled now.  IDK why it helps, but it does and that’s ok.

I’m going to get dressed and go eat a big ass double bacon cheese burger with everything but onions-because they really are gross, a bottomless basket of french fries and a sweet tea without lemon.  Then, I’m gonna go to TJ Maxx and 5 below.  I need a screen protector for my phone, and I’m STILL looking for those elusive nude peep toe pumps that will go with every outfit I have in my closet.

Agitated, less.

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