I have the house to myself. For the weekend. The. Entire. HOUSE. And what do I do??
I turn AAAAAALLLLLL the lights, start the laundry, and make Cocoa Wheats for dinner. And I’m flipping between my posts and “Robin Williams Live on Broadway” on YouTube. Because I need to laugh. Because it’s wonderful to see someone such as myself to use humor to hide their pain. And because he was a brilliant fucking actor, comedian, and animal activist.
Ok, off that tangent.
Sorry for the quiet time. I’ve been all over the place emotionally and mentally. My shoulder has been giving me fits. Fuck it all.
When was the list time I really posted? Damn I gotta go back and check. Geeze, 2 days ago…and those posts are kind of short compared to my longer and in-depth ones. Tells you how I haven’t been stable. I can’t really focus on things to get them out. Even in my video diaries they’re even more scattered than usual. This isn’t my “normal” or usual self. Even now, I wanted to do this “informative post” about what I did over the last couple of days and how I’m feeling and I just can’t get my ADHD brain to focus long enough to do that. It fucking sucks major donkey balls. I have my music on to kind of distract the chaotic thoughts, but I had to turn it down. Cheesus…Now let’s see if I can focus and start at the beginning…
Holy hell I started writing this blog 2 hours ago. Clown shoes. Ok, so let’s see…two days ago is when I really posted a decent post. So that would have been Wednesday. I can’t keep track of the days. I thought Monday was Tuesday, Tuesday was Monday, yesterday was Friday and today was Monday…fuckitall. ANYWAY…Wednesday was off to a rough start. It never did get “better”, but it did kinda level out. I managed to end the evening with a handful of sporks. All in all, it was a damn dull day-but a much-needed dull day. Well, besides the dentist appointments. My chipped tooth needs a root canal and a crown. Insurance pays about 60%, but I still need to come up with about $650. THEN I need that damn periodontal thingy where they clean below the gumline and do that antibiotic treatment. That’s another $200. AAAAAAANNNNND NSLM has 2 cavities that need filled, and that’s another $200. About a grand in dental work-THAT I DON”T CLOW SHOEING HAVE. WTH…
Yesterday-Thursday-I dropped the kids off, then took my car down to Big O where my cousin works to get Vivi attended too. She needed new brakes and rotors, the right hub bearing replaced and an alignment. Well, they checked and I also need new brakes and rotors in the back. Mom and I go down to Edinburg to the outlet mall and do some shopping. We hit Coach, and of COURSE they day we go there’s the 50% off sale. SCORE! I got a new Coach bag and sunglasses. Mom got a new Coach bag and Sis got a new wristlet. We then hit Maurice’s because I REALLY need some t-shirts and cami-tanks. BOGO 50% off T-shirts, shorts, and accessories. Well, they get all done and my card swiped…and none of my stuff rang up right. So the poor girls had to return then scan it ALL again, then MANUALLY put in the BOGO. Bless her stinkin heart! I still saved $50! We hit Finishline because I needed new tennis shoes for work-whenever THAT will be. Scored another pair of Reebok Zig Technology shoes-black and pink!-for $50. Half off AND the last pair. Double score! PLUS they has socks, BOGO. Fucking Sweet, Louis! I needed to hit Aero-because the devil was successful upon leaving my body and embarrassing me in public. WHO IN THE FUCK DOES NOT SELL JEANS?! Aeropostale. Complete and utter SHIT. No, I don’t WANT stupid HIGH WAISTED JEGGINGS. That shit needed to stay in the 90’s-along with BODYSUITS! I mean, WTBFH?! GAH. We went back to Maurice’s and I bought these SUPER CUTE pair of textured coral colored shorts. I’m in an 11/12. I am so excited! I haven’t worn an 11 since MIDDLE SCHOOL! I’ve always struggled with my weight. I’m comfortable with my weight now, as in, I’m at a weight that doesn’t bother me. I honestly think if I lose more, I’ll look TOO thin. How is that possible?! IDK, it just is. Mom and I hit Max & Erma’s for lunch, and I gotta tell ya, I was EXHAUSTED. I used to be able to shop til I dropped-hours upon hours. Now, those 2 hours liked to have killed me. I was ready to come home and sleep until this morning.
And that’s what Muggles don’t get about MI. They don’t understand the PHYSICAL toll the highs and lows take on the brain AND the body. My body is physically exhausted from trying to fight my brain. All the talk requires energy, so where does it come from? The brain AND the body. Plus, I’ve been all over the place emotionally that doesn’t help one damn bit. I started off with my 12 sporks yesterday, and I ended with 3. And because I was gone AAAAAAALLLLL day I missed my morning med dose. That could have been another reason for the tiredness. I didn’t even bother with last nights, so I miss all my meds yesterday. I could tell I was a little manic while I shopped. Hell I wore the sunglasses all over the Coach store and almost FORGOT to take them off to pay for them. THAT would have been embarrassing! I’d hate to get tackled by mall security with my ass-end up, showing the love the devil had given me yesterday. Fucker. I didn’t even bother to make my kids dinner. Fucking auto pilot. I’ve been on that ALOT lately, and that’s scaryasallgetout. To think that your body can function and your brain doesn’t necessarily have to be “present”…Cheesus what if something had happened to my kids-what if I had done something to them?!?!
Breathe, Sass, BREATHE.
Today…ugh today was not good. I went to bed at 9 with the kids. I woke up about 4 and I wasn’t feeling so hot, so I took a phenergan. English Gentleman Kiked me-he actually did Thursday, and we talked for a few hours. I really enjoy talking to him. He’s a really nerdy/geeky guy, and by that I mean smart and smart is SEXY. It’s so sexy it’s SCHMEXY. I hate arrogance. It’s a complete turn off. You can be sexy as hell, but open your mouth and get cocky and I’m done. There’s no coming back from that fuck up. Not sorry. Buh-Bye! English Gentleman isn’t like that. He’s, very sweet, and very concerned, and skinny-which is kinda nice lol, and I just find him EXTREMELY sexy. And yummy looking. I can’t help it. Give me a good-looking model type, then gimme a cute nerdy/geeky man…geek wins, hands down. Smart is a turn on. Intelligence is a turn on, but not to the superiority type of smart. I like someone who can teach me things, but not make me feel stupid about it. ANYWAY, he and I talked, then I tried to go back to sleep. Well, my dinner finally revolted, I felt better, and I overslept. Today was one of those, “IDGAF” days. At least the kids made it to school in 2 pieces-1 piece each. I went to therapy, and I was watching a guy there do his shoulder exercises and he’s only 30 days post-surgery and has more stability than me. I have to admit, I’m fucking jealous. Chad tried to give me a 3 pound weighted ball and I said, “Nope. Too heavy.” He also had me do my exercises and I did my ski thing one and I asked, “Is it supposed to burn?” “Uh, no, not really.” Well fuckmerunnin. The more I do, the more I feel something move on my shoulder-blade. My thumb was numb yesterday and I hadn’t done anything yet! I get the MRI Arthrogram Monday, and I’m freaking out that I’ll probably have to have surgery. Clown shoes. I went to pick up Vivi, and there is still an issue with my alignment, so I’ll be going BACK tomorrow. UGH.
I’ve put $1500 into my car-much needed-and shit STILL isn’t right, and that shit really just outright pisses me off. If I’m going to pay that much money, then do it right. Don’t give me mediocre workmanship. If I wanted that, I’d go finds some guy from Craigslist and pay him in beer. I mean, come on, now. REALLY! GRRRRRRR!
DB got the kids and we had another civil visit. Times like these I miss him. I miss the partner I fell in love with. It’s hard and heart breaking. As bad as shit was, I still have faith that he will be a better man-if not for me, but for himself. I do pray that he finds the peace I have. He actually mentioned the movie again, which is really weird. And he mentioned another movie. It’s just weird. And it’s kind of confusing to me.
I’m having a hard time where Florida is concerned. He’s in my dreams again. I feel him with me more, and I hear him saying my name, and holding me, embracing me. It’s so god damned HARD. I don’t know how to heal from it this time. No amount of letter writing, or video diaries or crying and talking to Jane about him will help. There’s just a void there. Empty space. It’s not heavy or cold. It just is. It doesn’t pull anything in or push anything out. It’s just there. Never moving or changing. It just is. And THAT”S fucking scary. Last time, I could deal because I didn’t really have a CHOICE. It was forced upon me. (Ugh I just got side tracked on FB for an hour…fml) I didn’t get any explanation for his silence until after. And even then, he still came back. You know the worst part of all this crazy emotional and internally fucked up battle?! That I would go back to DB if he asked, AND if I do end up needing surgery I can see myself calling Florida the day of…I’m all over the god damned place and I don’t fucking like it one god damned mother fucking BIT!
Mom and I hit Yankee Candle Thursday, and I bought 3 candles-Coral Sands, Ocean something and Seagrass…see what’s wrong with me?! I’m trying to fill the void-but not with negative unhealthy things. I’m trying to fill them with memories, good things. But I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to obsess and I’m going to turn those good things into bad things.
There’s that fucking fear making an appearance..then that leads to some of the panic…that leads to the anxiety…that triggers the PTSD…FUCK! Why can’t I just get a fucking break?! I don’t like this! I could understand if I were wallowing in a vast pool of self-pity, but I’m not. I’m doing the complete fucking opposite thing and I can’t get a break! I don’t fucking understand WHY. WTF did I DO?! The depression I get. The weather has been super shitty and cold, and it’s warming up, but who knows if it’ll stay warm?! That has me thinking, “Fuck if it’s gonna be a cool summer, I won’t fucking survive!”
See the way these thoughts weave their way through everything? There’s chaos, yes, but it’s organized-to me it is, anyway. It’s part and parcel of the BP1 and ADHD. But it’s the WAY they weave their way through my life. I think of apples, that make me think of caramel, that makes me think of fall, that makes me think of Anderson Orchard where I went as a little girl. Then THAT makes me think of the fall, and the time we went to Brown County as a family and we saw AAAAAAALLL of the ladybugs, and I was happy and in love and “complete” for a fleeting moment in time…then that triggers the real love I feel with Florida…and there’s the Bipolar coaster climbing the hill again, ready to descend me into the madness again…*pleads* I just want off..for a little while I just want off the damn Bipolar Coaster. It’s making my head hurt, and I’m just fucking tired.
I’m tired of feeling empty and lonely and chaotic and sad and angry and happy and frustrated and lost. I’m tired of it…I’m just fucking tired. I’m tired of being the one that reaches out constantly. I’m tired of the one that has to take care of all the emotional shit while DB gets to sit in that fucking house with all his possessions when the kids and I fucking have little to nothing here at my parents. I’m tired of struggling to get my feet underneath me only for them to be kicked out from under me constantly. And you know what? Sometimes I’m just fucking tired to keep getting back up and fighting. I want someone to tell me that it’s ok if I stay down until I can figure it out. I want someone to tell me they believe in my when I can’t-like now. I want someone to tell me I’m their Goddess again and that they have faith in me and that they love me when I can’t do it myself.
Right now I need that. Because I don’t have much faith in myself right now. About anything. What’s so wrong with that? I feel like a ship lost at sea. I’m looking for my Lighthouse. It’s not dark out, but everything is kind of foggy-it’s not dense fog, but it’s enough to make seeing difficult. It’s not oppressive, but you can feel it on your body. It feels like cold fingertips touching you through your clothes. It’s the whisper of breath on your neck. The echo of a voice in the woods. It’s all disorienting. And scary. And lonely.
I don’t want to be lonely anymore.