*I wrote this 5 days ago when I was visiting Gramma and Grampa the first time with the weather turning nicer.*
There’s so much that I wanted to blog about today…but now that I’ve gotten to my safe spot, it’s all gone. Those ideas and plans just poofed. I’m at my grandparents grave. I’ve got a lot of sporks today. I’m finally getting some peace after all the chaos. Ugh, the asshole across this street started mowing. Fucker. May is with me. She seems happy in the sunshine here. She’s been excitable today. She got a whipped cream treat from Starbucks today.
I dreamt of Florida last night. I don’t know why…maybe I’d was all the talk of sporks. Maybe it was watching “The Following” last night, and watching the end and how even after the “closure” there never really is. In my dream I remember talking to him on the phone, and he said “I love you, Sass”, and I couldn’t say it back. I choked on the words. Monkey was there with me. She said she loved him, and I think that’s what started it. I couldn’t open the gates of emotion. I couldn’t open the gates to my heart that had always had. Good GOD I miss him soooo much.
Here’s the REALLY weird thing about it.
I didn’t wake up with the void, the aching loss I have when I dream of him. I felt sad, yes, but….there was PEACE there. There was LOVE there. God I wish I knew what my dreams about him mean. I need to talk BBF about it. She is always so good about understanding my dreams better than me.
Some days are harder than others. Today is “an easy day”. Today I can think of him and not be reminded of the void I have for him. Today when I think of him, I am reminded of how incredibly happy and lucky I am to have (had) him in my life. That for this first time in years, if not in my life, someone let me be me and loved me for that. There’s not a hole there. And I don’t understand.
Shouldn’t there BE a hole?? Frustrating sometimes..
I can’t get comfortable to peck this out. Frustrating as well. Not to mention the prompt for asking me to sign in to WiFi. No, I don’t WANNA sign in to use WiFi…fucker. Anyway… I have texted BBF today..and we talked a little bit, but I still feel like…IDK how to explain it. I feel like our friendship isn’t equal to her new relationship. You know the whole time I was talking to and being with Florida she was always included. So, Idk if this is what she does, or how she handles things-focusses on the person that’s there vs the person that isn’t really…who the hell knows.
Why is it so wrong to want heal and move on from what has happened in my life? Why do my family members think the way I’m trying to heal is unhealthy? All I’ve ever wanted in my life is to understand things. Scientific mind at work. I blame my Grampa. :p