, , , ,

I’m in a pickle.

Coming off the Latuda and I fee more stable.  I’m not rapid cycling.  I’m not having the anxiety which led to the panic which triggers the PTSD which leads BACK to anxiety.  I’m sleeping better, amazingly.  Maybe talking to Florida helped that.  Idfk.


I talked to Florida yesterday.  I didn’t after 3 yesterday or today.  I’m sure he had his phone taken away in class.  You know, that whole cell phones for emergency purposes only stuff.  So, I’m sure he’s in trouble for that, which means he might have had his tablet and computer taken away too.  Who fucking knows.

There’s a problem.

I love him, I really and genuinely do.  He is my true other half.  But I am really wanting to hang out with Cute Neighbor Guy.  He’s cool.  And cute-duh.  And he’s a devoted dad. And he’s my age.  And I’m still in love with my husband because I believe that there’s a good man in there…

WTF do I do??  I would love to make my marriage work still, but am I deluding myself?  I want so desperately to be with Florida.  And I would love to be with someone my age that has kids that gets the kids come first.  I’m so conflicted and confused.

Why do things come in threes??

Three guys.

Three indications that Florida is around, that tell me to still believe in him.  Hell, EVERY part of my BEING tells me not to give up on anything…but how do you choose which one to fight for the most?

I would love to fight for Florida, but is it worth it?

I’ve been asking myself this since yesterday.  Is it worth letting him back in again??  Is it worth trying to work on my marriage when I know my heart really doesn’t belong to DB and never had?  Is it worth trying to “date” someone that may or may not like me after awhile?

Sweet or dill?

I want to crawl into bed and cry my heart out then, if I’m lucky,  MAYBE fall asleep.  Because even with my luck, I will wake up tomorrow and I won’t be any closer to an answer than I am now.