*Very graphic and descriptive writing, may trigger*
I can already feel the oppression of tonight lingering overhead like so much humidity on a hot July morning in the Midwest. I need to do video diary, and put them on the flash drive for Florida. And I need to write and burn. And write him too. I need to expel everything from my system like so much vile that it is vitriol in my soul. I need to get it out of me like the venom that is poisoning me from the center outwardly. I don’t get “lucky” and have it start at an outer phalange that works its way in, no sir. It always turns necrotic from the inside out, where you can’t see it blacken so you can’t stop it, to prevent more damage.
I’m fighting it tonight. Fighting with everything ounce of my being to stay above water. I’m fighting to not break down and let everything consume like quicksand and bury me alive, where I suffocate from the crushing weight against my chest.
I can’t handle this. I can’t deal with this. Panic. I can’t breathe. PTSD. OMG I’m gonna smother and my skin is crawling. Anxiety. I can feel everyone looking at me, and they can read my thoughts. They can see how entirely fucked up I am, and the situations I’ve gotten myself into. They’re judging me. More Panic. OMG I’m not a good parent. I can’t provide for my kids because I fucked my shoulder up. OMFG DB is going to take my kids because I was honest about Florida! PTSD. The rocking begins, and I want to scream into a towel. Anxiety. I’m gritting my jaw so hard I can crush rock.
The cycle is endless. Round and round and fucking ROUND I go. I want to text him, Kik him, Skype him! Help me someone. Please, just let me go! No, come back and stay with me. Don’t fucking leave me! I fucking need you so god damned much that I can’t breathe without you. My soul is tied to yours, forever and always. I can’t fucking do this!
Round and round…the ferris wheel picks up speed.
I think I’m having a panic attack. I’m hyperventilating…I can’t catch my breath..omg I’m gonna pass out and die. It hurts, god it hurts..
Please, let me cry myself to sleep from the heartache..let me fucking mourn for this loss. I’ve lost a limb. The void has taken something from me, and there is now a malevolent voice laughing in the void watching me crumble and fall apart. Oh god, why NOW?! Why do you attack me like a wounded animal when I want to let fucking go?!!
The void is turning into a black hole that is sucking everything from me-the light, the happy, the warmth, the fucking love. Oh god make it stop! The voice is laughing maliciously now, watching me writhe in pain and hurt from this torture as I’m stretched on the rack to my breaking point.
I can’t do this tonight. I can’t let go tonight. I will crawl up in my bed, and I will ask him to stay with me, hold me another night, to ease the pain. Tonight is just too much too fast, too much to endure. If I don’t, I think I might break, and I don’t know if I will be able to recover. I seriously don’t.