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I hurt today.

My shoulder hurts from the cortisone shot.  My poor shoulder has taken a beating between the MRI Monday and the doctor yesterday.  I have more movement which is a HUGE improvement.  I have tendonitis, a bone spur and a POSSIBLE tiny tear, but there’s no way to tell unless the doc goes in to scope my shoulder.  He wants to leave that as a last option.  He would  rather rule out a neck injury before surgery.  I don’t blame him.  That’s invasive shit.  So I lost a handful of sporks there with the shit.  It hurt like a mother fucker-I cried.  I don’t think talking to Florida helped, either.

As for Florida, I’ve let go.  Only I still feel him with me, as if he can’t let ME go.  Even now as I sit on the patio enjoying the beautiful weather he’s here.  Protecting me.  From what, I have no idea.  I keep asking him to let me go, and then he tightens the grip he has on me.  It hurts.  Emotionally and physically-like a vise gripping my wrist.  I hear him pleading, “Please, please, please!” Repeatedly.  I keep repeating “Let me go. Please, let me go.  I can’t, I can’t!”

The grip tightens and he tries to pull me closer as I pull away.

I don’t understand.  How can I have this profound connection with this one person??

It hurts. All of it hurts. My shoulder, my back, my heart, my soul…just make it stop.

Please, just make it stop.