I didn’t dream. I blacked out-again. I woke up to him with me, holding me, comforting me, protecting me, shielding me. From what, I wish I knew. His presence with me does not fade, it only grows with each rising morning and passing night.
I ate breakfast today…it wants to revolt. I just took my medicines-600 mgs of Trileptal, 300 mgs of Zantac and my multi vitamin. I am going to take a walk in a little bit. I need to clear my head and mind and heart. I might stop over by the common area and do a video diary…I haven’t decided yet. I do them when the mood strikes. I’ll probably go out to Gramma and Grampa’s. It always seems to help.
I feel like my skin is electrified today. I feel a live current flowing under the surface and if anyone gets too close…ZAP! It won’t be intentional, it just happens. The joys of BP and MI. Throw in the anxiety and PTSD, add a dash of panic and VIOLA! (or is it voilà??) Instant fuckall. My brain is functioning at MAYBE 25%. The rest? 50% auto pilot and 25% emotional override. It never ends. Never. At least the ferris wheel has slowed down-instead of full throttle and then some, it’s now at the LEISURELY pace of 75% speed. Better than the g-force pushing me down into the seat and peeling the skin back from my face.
The void is back. The voice is quiet-well, quietER. I can still hear it chuckle every now and then from amusement at watching me suffer and try to hold myself together. At least it stopped devolving into a black hole. It did suck the warmth out of me down to my marrow. Even though it’s already in the 70’s, I feel like it’s 20 degrees cooler. JUST what I needed, MORE cold. Clown shoes.
I could really use the isporkacorn here, Morgue. At least with mine I can customize him into a raging running wild beast-spork that will defend me from all the shit that keeps oppressing me, trying to smother me. I think I want mine to have a tail, too, kind of like Storm fly on How To Train Your Dragon. He’s got that awesome spike throwing tail. I don’t need mine to breathe/spit fire, just the spike-wielding tail, a beautifully stabby horn-made of Rose Gold-black with pink glitter wings, and hooves that can cut a man’s head off with one little stamp. Oh, I’m so not in a good place.
I need to take my walk…”clear” my head. Possibly cry. The options are limited and endless at the same time.