I visited Gramma and Grampa today. When I got there, three people were under one of those blue tents they use to shield a family from the sun during a service. I thought they were getting ready. Nope. Someone was laid to rest today, and I was watching how the people worked with precision to make sure this person’s casket was covered with dignity and care. I felt compelled to walk the grounds.
I cleaned DB’s friend’s headstone of the grass from the start of mowing season. Least I could do. I walked to the farther side, and I could see the gravel pits and White Lick Creek. So I decided to do a video diary while I walked. It was a beautiful day. I walked toward the creek and I saw a blue jay that stopped me in my tracks. I haven’t seen one in years. I knew my Grampa was with me. It was the most vibrant shade of blue…I always remembered them as softer shades of a blue-grey. It brought tears to my eyes.
I kept meandering through the cemetery and looking at all the headstones…they are beautiful, they really are. Even the older ones from the 1800’s and early 1900’s. I finally just sat down with Gramma and Grampa and just cried my ever lovin heart out. I heard Gramma say “Oh Shannibear. I love you so much.” I told her I just wanted peace. After all of this stuff with Florida, all I want is peace. I heard Florida call to me, and I lost it even more. I told him to please let me go. I can’t do this. If he ever loved me at all, just please let me go. I sobbed and snotted all over the place and I felt him grabbing my wrist, trying desperately to pull me to him, to make me not give up on him, but I couldn’t do that.
Then it was like, POOOOF! Gone. He let go of me. I felt him release his hold on me. The tears stopped, and I just got up and left. Something compelled me away from there. I was compelled to take a different way home. BBF text me back and asked me how I felt and I told her I felt empty, alone, unprotected, vulnerable. I feel like I’m quarantined.
I feel like Florida was pushed out, away from me, and that I have been cordoned off for my protection. Kind of like that movie “Quarantine” where the entire apartment building is wrapped in that plastic, but they can still hear the muffled sounds of the city beyond it. That’s how I feel. Because I can feel Florida beyond the safe zone screaming for me, trying to break his way through to save me and come back to me.
And I want him too, GOD do I want him too…but right now, I don’t know if that’s a good thing for either of us. No, I lie, I KNOW it’s not good for us. But I know he’s outside the plastic, because I don’t feel vulnerable or alone. I feel his safety surrounding me through the plastic. I’m on one side, sitting with my back to the plastic, knees drawn up to my chest, heading leaning back. I feel him pounding the plastic next to me, talking to me. I can’t hear what he’s saying, but I know he’s talking to me. I can make out my name and that’s it, nothing else. I can’t find the will to move away from him right now. We are both there, by each other. And I feel like my grandparents put me here for my safety, and I’m not mad at them for doing it. I’m not happy or sad or angry or anything…maybe a little bit of relief that there’s some boundary between us right now. I’m trying to tell him he has to let me go now. That he has to be strong and he has to learn to grow as a man and that I can’t help him on this journey. That we need to be apart as badly as I want him in my life, and as badly as he wants to keep coming back to me as an option…I can’t be his option. I don’t want to be someone’s option. I want to be someone’s REASON. We both need to grow as people, as people. I need to focus on me and the kids-hell, there’s a chance I might need surgery, and it’s a real fear that I can’t ignore. I have to face it. I don’t get to run from it-or being a parent.
BBF said the most beautiful thing to me today: “As much as I want you happy and you guys to be together, I don’t want to instill false hope either.” I told her I agree that maybe one day we MIGHT be together, but I’m ok-accepting(?)-it may not happen. I’m not begging the Fates or the Gods and Goddesses to change my path so that we are together right now. That I will give up anything for that to happen. I love him, everyone KNOWS that. Hell, I even told DB-almost-everything, that I do love him, but we need to let go of each other. I think DB was impressed by that. It’s not that it’s not healthy-because it’s not, really-it’s that he and I are in two different places. I have my kids to think about while in quarantine. I have to do a lot of internal and self-reflection about a lot of things. I love him, so very very much. I love him enough to let him go.
It’s a hard hard thing to do.
But it’s the right thing….right?
And being in quarantine sucks ass sooooo fucking bad…but it’s for my own safety, really.
Florida has turned into a Zombie. And he’s beyond hell-bent on eating my brains.
He’s out to eat my soul.