What a crock of shit.
I woke up at 8. Tried to go back to sleep, and it didn’t happen. Got up and my coffee. I made blueberry muffins with the crumble topping-yummy! The girls go up, and from the word “Mom!” it’s been an emotional shitstorm. Monkey’s friend stayed the night, and she woke up with a fever. Cute Neighbor Guy said he was working and asked if it was ok if she stayed until he got home around 4. Yeah, I don’t have a problem with that. The girls-Monkey, clarification-were wound up last night. It was like pulling teeth for her to calm down. Finally got them settled into bed, and away I slunk to the ‘rents bed. They were out-of-town so I got the King. Mwahahahaha! What a bad parent I am for letting myself get a decent night’s sleep the night before my commercialized holiday. I am an asshole.
I had a jarring dream. So much so that I remembered every detail of it when I woke up, and even 2 hours later when I wrote a doc so I could keep it and post it later. It’s been months, if not years, since I’ve had a dream like that. I’m going to post it in its entire detail later.
After my breaky and taking care of the girls, I wrote down my dream. I kept getting interrupted. GRRRRR! The girls wanted this, Monkey wanted that. Fuck me can’t I just get an hour’s peace?! Nope, no can do. FUCKALL. I had to put my foot down and tell the girls I am giving myself a pedicure on the patio. ALONE. Took me about an hour and I had to come inside to paint my nails because it started to rain. Well, it sprinkled and looked like it was going to piss down rain, but NOOOOOOOO. Drip, drip, done. Cue sunshine, humidity and 80 degrees! I couldn’t enjoy it. I was already in a pissy mood. That dream…fuck
I did the dishes. I cleaned the table. I’ve done laundry. The kids are bathed and fed. And you know what? I couldn’t even enjoy my one commercialized holiday because I was busy taking care of the kids and household. Monkey’s other friend came over after Cute Neighbor Guy got his daughter, and I swear to GAWD. I’m going to have to talk to Cute Neighbor Guy about her. She’s got ZERO respect. Saturday she came into the house complaining about how she was hungry, that she only had a bologna sandwich for lunch. I said we don’t have anything for lunch right now. WTF?! Later she comes back and says I want ice cream I already had my dinner, then tries to GET IN MY FREEZER! I said, “We haven’t had dinner yet, so it’s not fair for you to have some and the others not too.” SERIOUSLY. Today she’s talking about how I should respect MY DAUGHTER, and I was like “No, she respects me because I am the parent. I am the one that sets boundaries and rules for her. Respect is earned not given. My kids aren’t just given anything they want. They have to earn it and work for it.” THEN she throws a hissy fit because her sister doesn’t feel good and wants to stay inside and be cool. “IT’s not fair you guys ALWAYS watch TV when I want to play outside.” So I had to step in and throw out “Last week they stayed inside when YOU didn’t want to play outside because YOU said it was too hot. They can stay inside if they want too.” So off she pouted out the door. UGH I HATE DISRESPECTFUL BRATTY KIDS. I mean, WTF?! How do you approach this conversation without making the other parent’s child a total manipulative brat? I give mad props to Cute Neighbor Guy for raising her and doing what he can to make sure he’s there for her and the other girls…but fuck! Saturday night I tried my best to be diplomatic and she fucking started a toy throwing match because I told her it’s not fair for her to let her sister she can’t have her lava lamp on AND not let her watch Shirley Temple DVD’s. Not only that, she complained about the girls wanting to sleep DOWNSTAIRS because she didn’t want to sleep on the floor. THEN she got bent out of shape because they already claimed spots on the couch and she was odd man out. Fuck are you KIDDING ME?! I don’t tolerate that shit from my kids. It’s either you play nice and share, or you don’t play at all. WTF happened to boundaries and teaching kids to negotiate?! So many parents cave in and want to be their kids’ friend. Fuck that. Yes, I want my kids happy, and I want my kids to be able to come to me and talk to me about things. I am a parent first. I am not supposed to be nice and coddle and helicopter them. FUUUUUUU
*This is not intended to bash Cute Neighbor Guy and his parenting skill or style. He’s a single dad doing the best he can and I am impressed and amazed at what he does.
**I hate entitlement in all people, and I think my generation has done a shitty overall job at raising entitled brats by giving them the things “we didn’t have” as well enabling them to not think for themselves. I am guilty of this at times.
IN OTHER NEWS…
I’ve been writing a lot about my feelings on my quarantine. So far I have a three page Word doc-no spacing, no paragraphs-and it’s growing. I’m thinking of calling it “The Quarantine Diaries” and posting it on here. It’s pretty bizarre to watch it take shape, and I think you guys might like to see just exactly how I feel about this quarantine.
I’ve just been pissy today. Music helped a bit, but I had to keep it rather subdued. I tried to watch a couple of movies, but I couldn’t pay attention, but I was able to listen to them. Kids got on my nerves today. People in general got on my nerves today. Even Cute Neighbor Guy got on my nerves a bit when he came to get his daughter. I got a handful of “Happy Mother’s Day” texts, but no one asked me how I fucking was. No one asked what I was going to do, I had to ask first. I’m just fucking irritated. Fucking fuck fuck. I wanted to be on WP, but the thought of watching and waiting to read made my body exhausted.
I managed to go through a big pile of papers today. That’s like winning the Monkey art-work lotto! Now I need to go through the tote of papers, and I would have too if I hadn’t been so rudely interrupted today. I had to take a phenergan today because I had such bad nausea. I’ve gritted my teeth, hunched my shoulders up to my ears, been snappy and quite “unmotherly” towards the kids. Fuck I just wanted one god damned day where I wouldn’t have to do all this shit and be thanked for what I DO do. Tired of being under and unappreciated. Db did send me a “Happy Mother’s Day” text, and that was quite lovely. Cute Neighbor Guy did as well. I gave him a small botany lesson when he got his daughter. His daughter that stayed is the honest one. She doesn’t manipulate and she doesn’t try to lie about anything. She’s factual and even tattles on herself. Girls got street cred with me.
I think I shall ooze myself into bed. I’m tired from the phenergan and my shitty mood. I think we are all on the “circle the drain” cycle. It’s not even the spin cycle on the washer because there ain’t no water being squeegeed out of us. There just ain’t nuthin left in there to squeegee out.