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Here it is, Mother’s Day, and I was startled awake at 8 by a water dream.  This dream is one I can still remember so vividly that it’s scary.  I went on a diving expedition with my über adventurous cousin and her boyfriend, and a few other of their friends- a couple of guys and girls.  We dove into a lake that was crystal clear.  We weren’t wearing wet suits, so to say.  It was like a tight fitting space suit.  The oxygen tanks were different.  The girls all had their hair flowing around them and it was ethereal.  We had our mouthpieces in for air, but no masks.  We could talk and hear what each of us were saying.  We found a site they had been trying to get into for awhile, but had never succeeded.  My cousin was trying to show me something that had  happened and she flew through the water and it knocked her mouthpiece out of her tank.  I grabbed it and her and we swam to the surface.  I don’t know how but I managed to get her mouthpiece and hose reattached to her tank.  We both laughed a bit then went back to the dive site.  It was dark by now and we reached the point where we were able to fully enter the dive site.  It looked like an office of an old bank.  Nothing was moving in the water.  There were old sheets covering the desks.  We pulled one off and it looked like the employees had just left for the day.  I wandered around looking at the drawers, the craftsmanship of the desks, and the minute details of my surroundings.  There was a desk on a raised platform and I swam/walked/floated towards it.  It was a smaller desk, but it was more like a corner unit.  Only instead of fitting into the corner of a wall, if was angled out the other way, with the point towards the occupant.  I looked at all of the drawers and their locks.  The other side of the desk was were the secretary would sit.  They always keep the bosses keys, and I opened a drawer.  It was full of keys.  They weren’t heavy in my hand, and were warm to the touch.  They were all different shapes.  Each drawer had its own key.  But none of the drawers were locked.  Each drawer had old denominations of money. I wanted to grab a $2 for Monkey, but it was old, almost like confederate money.  I flipped through all of the money.  None of it was current.  I held a stack in my hand and turned around.  There was a huge room behind us, set in almost a vault-like area.  We all went in there, revered by the awe in there.  There was a huge desk there, lots of drawers, nooks and crannies.  They let me go through this huge desk alone, but left a light for me to see by.  I found money, lots of money.  I found current denominations of money in coin form.  I found lots of money that they used as models for other coins.  I found money that was never distributed.  I found Kennedy quarters and half dollars.  I found different sized state quarters.  I found a Master’s Golf coin.  I remember the weight of it in my hand.  I remember watching the light glint off of the gold on the coin.  I stopped breathing and freaked out, and swallowed a mouthful of water. Someone came over to me and reminded me of my mouthpiece.  I put it back in my mouth and took a deep breath and coughed.  Everyone was talking, but it was static in the background.  I regained my composure and opened another drawer.  This one had a beautiful black patent leather alligator cigarette case, and underneath it was a small red-lid box.  I pulled out the cigarette case and opened it and a lager amount of small coppers fell out.  These shouldn’t be here.  My eyes were wide.  I breathed “guys” and they all came over.  There was silence.  They all touched them and I could feel the reverence through the group.  One by one they explored the “vault”  I opened the case more and a wad of money fell out.  It was current currency.  20’s and 10’s.  I couldn’t count them.  I put all of the money back in the case.  One by one the members of the group came to me and gave me money they found.  They all kept repeating for D&D.  I was in such shock.  These people don’t know me..but I have a feeling my cousin told them of our struggles.  We wandered around a little more, then decided as a whole it was time to go, let the “vault” rest in peace.  When we were replacing the sheets I saw a picture frame and I looked at the picture.  The people looked happy and peaceful.  I thanked them, why, I don’t know.  I put the picture frame back on the desk and we covered the desk again.  The lights were shining around, but nothing looked sinister.  We gathered outside in an open area and agreed it was time to go.  I felt the weight of the money against me, and we all ascended to the surface.  We bobbed out of the water, laughing and whooping with excitement at our find.  No one would ever know.  It was a secret we would take to our graves.  The sky overhead was full of stars.  There wasn’t a single city light to be seen.  We decided it was time to go, and we started to swim back to shore or the boat, and it was like we traveled through time.  The stars started to brighten and blur.  A few shooting stars shot past that burned my eyes.  I was jolted awake at 8.  I was alone.  Empty.  Hollow.  I cried a little.  I never wanted this.  I never wanted these feelings.  All I’ve ever wanted was someone to share my life with, that I loved deeply and utterly and unconditionally.  To raise a family, and have support when I’m weak and support them when they are weak.  Someone to experience life with, by my side, and to live our days dancing in the rain, laughing at memories.  I guess it’s all too much to ask for now…

I’m empty

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