I have all these things bouncing around in my head….I can’t grasp on to them. Self respect and self talk, self sabotage. meds will only work for me I can’t do talk therapy because of x or y. I’m nothing, I’ll never amount to anything. WHy do I even live? Yakyakyakyak, blahhblhablahblah.
We are only a product of our situation.
To some extent, I believe this. I also believe that our fucked up brains should be held accountable too. We can’t help the fact we have crossed wires and chemical imbalances, or trauma from health issues. It was the shitty hand of cards we have been dealt.
But it doesn’t mean we need to continue to wallow in those reasons. Yes, we need to mourn the losses of who we were, who we could have been, who we wanted to be. It fucking sucks ass that our lives have changed so fucking drastically. We also need time to adapt and relearn how to live life. There shouldn’t be a god damned time-table on when we need to be at this point in our lives.
I’m 35. I have no formal education. I never graduated high school. I have two kids by two different men. I married an abusive man. I am still legally married to him. I can’t hold a job. I can’t pay my bills. I can’t take care of my kids. I worry about everyone else but myself. I have been hospitalized once for suicidal thoughts, I ended up off work for two months from a horrible mixed episode, and I didn’t think I would make it through. I almost ended up in the psych hospital last summer. I had to have surgery when I thought my body was ok. I can NOT make it on my own. I will always need someone to support me in some way. I’ve accepted that part of my life. I cannot support a single parent household or I will crack. That’s a realization and a fact of my life. I don’t know if or think that will ever change. I’m ok with that…for now. I want to go to school so I can take care of my kids, but I know I can’t handle to course work. It sucks, but it’s a fact I’ve had to accept. I did manage to get my GED and my CNA certification 15 years ago. I might have been manic when I did that. But I was determined to make more of my life than being a high school drop out. I’m having to face the reality that I may not be able to work as a CNA anymore. That sucks major donkey balls, but it’s a possibility. It’s a bridge I may need to cross sooner rather than later.
UGH! I’m fucking irritated. NSLM pulled some stunt at school today and I took away his electronicals. Now he’s giving me lip because I won’t let him use my phone to call on a lost cat he found my the park. Don’t care. I called him an asshole-frankly, he’s acting like one. Monkey is al YAP YAP YAP YAP at the top of her lion lungs. Inside. Fucking HUSH child! Go outside and play with your friends. Then they come in and are all YAP YAP YAP YAP!! Do this, do that, no no no no! FUCKING SHIT STOP SLAMMING THE DAMN DOOR! My teeth are on edge. Fucking chalk board again. SCREEEEEEEEEEEEE. God make it STOP!
Earlier today, I went to Gramma and Grampa’s. There was a service going on, so I turned around and faced the road, letting the family have their private grieving. I started writing on the Kindle. I thought I’d lost my document-I flipped out and started sailor speak right there. I found it-somehow-and saved it three times before I left. I’ve been anxious all day. My skin feels electric. I feel like a live wire ready to ZAP some unsuspecting walker-by. *ZAP* Take that, dumbass. Didn’t you see the warning sign? NOOOOOO, of COURSE they didn’t. How fucked up would it be to walk around with a *Danger Live Wire* or *Danger High Voltage* sign on? Well, I think it’s pretty fucking important.
I think I’m in the throes of depression. I’m on autopilot a lot. I want to eat all the time. I haven’t been like this in months-the eating thing, anyway. I’m über irritated. Noise is like pounding a snare drum in my head. MY skin is electric. I’m antsy but I can’t move. I move but I have no direction. Everything makes me irritated and pissed off. Even my dog is irritating me. I’m threatening to ground her from ride time. I just can’t STAND ANYTHING lately.
Not only that, I FEEL Florida with me-ALL. OF. THE. FUCKING. TIME! Usually at night when I go to sleep, he’s there holding me, calming me, helping me to sleep. I’ve dreamt more, but they don’t make a damn lick of sense. I wake up and he’s there in the back ground. Protecting me. Still. From what? Today was the strongest he’s been with me in the day time. He sat in the car with me, and I put my hand in the seat while I looked out the window. I felt him put his hand on my cheek, and I put my cheek on my shoulder. I told him I loved him. I saw him smile, and I felt the warmth of his love for me. HE hasn’t been far from me today. And I’m grateful for that steadying presence. Even when I’m chaotic, he’s my little piece of center, my little piece of calm-the eye of my storm.
Fuck all I hate this part of BP. I feel like I’m rapid cycling. I shouldn’t be rapid cycling. I’ve never rapid cycled off of my reg meds. Oh fuck, am I heading to another Mixed?! Shit. Shit shit shit shitshitshitshit! I can’t handle that. I’ll fucking crack and fall into the chasm. Shit.
I need him…I’m gonna text him.