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So, if any of you have watched and read my posts, you might see I’m all over the place.  My dear blah was concerned enough to say so, and so I called my local psych hospital and I am having an eval tomorrow morning at 10.

Frankly, I’m worried about myself, too.

And I’m fucking pissed and disappointed the my psych nurse doesn’t seem to be that worried.  The intake specialist I spoke to was upset that I told her I cold-turkeyed the Latuda.  I told her I was having more side effects from it than being off of it, that it increased the anxiety and panic and PTSD and my psych nurse wanted to increase it.  Not only that, I was told Monday that I couldn’t come back until I paid down my bill-WHICH I haven’t even gotten in PAPER FORM because of Anthem’s fucking security breach and all THAT bullshit.

So, YAY FUCKING ME.  I’m on the verge of a psychotic/psychosis episode, and I can’t see my fucking NURSE because of my insurance’s FUCK UP.  AND ON TOP OF THAT, THEY CAN’T EVEN WORK ME IN BECAUSE SHE’S BOOKED TWO MONTHS OUT.  They’ll just tell me to go to the fucking ER-WHICH will put me on a 72 hour hold, tweak my meds, then set me out into the wide, wide world, with the possibility of hurting myself, my family, or God forbid someone ELSE.

FUCK.

And all because of that God DAMNED FUCKING NIGHTMARE that tipped the scales into Looneyville, population unknown.  Thank you, thank you, you asshole.

I took my bedtime meds early, in the hopes I’ll go to bed BEFORE 11…please GOD MAKE IT SO!

I managed a shower today…and I sang my fucking lungs out to Linkin Park.  I drove all over Hell and High Acre as fast as I could without getting caught my the police.  I also waved to a Police Officer this morning.  You know those straps that hang from their car ceilings?  They’re fucking shot guns.  Had no idea about that.  My road rage has increased 10 fold.  Days like today I’m so glad I can’t conceal to carry.  I have no control.  I washed some dishes, made two kinds of tea, and washed the blue load of clothes that I separated Saturday, I think??  Hey, at least they’re clean and folded now.
I watched Cute Neighbor Guy’s daughter and we girls took a trip to the store for supplies.  Monkey wants to make homemade play dough for her Econ project in class-supply and demand.  I then walked to his house and we talked-and I got asked parenting advice.  That’s NEVER HAPPENED!!  Like REAL parenting advice.  I listened to the situation, asked questions about what was already said, and thought about things in a democratic(?) manner.  The conversation then turned to high school memories, which lead to the photo album!  All I have to say is, I really like him, but not in the “OMGIHAVETOHAVETHISMANFORTHERESTOFMYLIFE” way.  I like him in the “I really want to know this guy slowly” way.  See-this is TOTALLY NOT the Sass that used to be.  I’m very cautious for many reasons, and I’m not all touchy feely and I keep a distance.  It’s WEIRD for ME to do this.  WTF?!

As for Florida and what I have and HAVEN’T been feeling….
Sigh…He was with me for a large part of the day, protecting me.  He got kind of upset that I called for an eval, but he understood.  He’s backed off a bit, but he’s still there on the perimeter, keeping watch and guarding me.  I still don’t know from what or why.  Frustrating.  I just hope he stays tonight to keep the nightmares away.  The one I had this morning was HORRIBLE.

I have one spork left, and I’ll trade it in for Curtain Number 3-MAYBE putting on jammies, but definitely crawling into bed.

I lost a BUNCH today listening to YAPYAPYAPYAPYAP BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH WHINEWHINEWHINEWHINE.  I even had to tell DB about BOTH kids..I hate pulling out the “I’m telling your dad” card, but, GAWD DAMN!  Even MY dad had to get on Monkey and NSLM tonight.  And he’s got all the patience in the fucking WORLD.  Today, though, POOOOOOOF!  Gone.

May has taken up residence on most of the couch.  My feet are propped up on the art box, so I look like I’m using that pop helper thing.  I don’t have ANY issues going to the bathroom, thankyouverymuch.

I did manage to eat today, but it was only half of my “linner”-Monkey and her friend finished it off.  Then I had ONE fajita at dinner-even though my brain said, “EAT THREE OF THOSE BAD MOTHER FUCKERS!”, my belly said, “Nah.  We’re cool man.”  I’ve had a lot to drink today-bad cotton mouth.  Could be that I took my Trileptal later than usual.  Because I thought I took it and I only took my vitamin.

I’ve also been having “forgetfulness” and by that I mean I’ve blanked out and completely forgetten that I’ve got shit going on that I need to do.  Like laundry, or that I made my tea this morning and spaced it until I got home two hours later.  I can’t tell if I’m still withdrawing from the Latuda, of it the shit’s given my brain damage.  Kinda scared about that thought.

Damn I almost forgot that I need to gather the small trash for trash day tomorrow-considering I’ve looked at the trash in the bathroom going, “I need to take that out”-on FRIDAY.  Trash runs Thursday.

Depending on how tomorrow goes I wanna talk to Florida.  I need to know WHY he’s with me, protecting me.  Call me crazy-we all are in our own ways-but he’s never done this before.  I WISH I could say it was a clean break every time, but we all know that’s a fucking lie.  Because if it had been, he would have told me the same thing I told him the other day.  Fuck.

It’s almost 1030 and I’m actually about to pass out at the pc.  I think I shall retire to my bed and pass the fuck out.  Not even gonna put on jammies-I need this last spork for my dreams…

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