Yesterday mom mentioned Sis finally read my blog. Not only that, she read from beginning to end.
I feel like an ass a bit because I got snotty about my Sis not really being there for me. On the other side of that token, it’s hard NOT to take offense because of the emotional climate I live in. Even more so when I’m all kindsa fuckered up from the damn meds.
I asked her about it, and she said the most endearing thing to me that I burst into tears. She said:
S-You are giving a voice to such a misunderstood illness. Keep it up.
M-But that’s what it’s like in my head 27/7/365
S-It never stops. It must be loud in there. The stream of continuous conscious always going, going, going.
M-It’s like static on a TV after a while. You get used to it…then there are times it’s like infomercials-all hype, no follow through. It’s very tiring…it’s like the dragons that have to steal food for the queen. Best analogy.*
M-The queen is like depression. No wait-the alpha is the depression, the queen is the mania.
S-I can’t always understand because I don’t live it. But I try to empathize and hope that when my reactions/responses are quiet it’s my way of processing (love kiss emoji)
My sister is the introvert of the two of us. She’s the internal thinker, and I’m-obviously-the extrovert and vocal one. We are night and day. Funny, how mom wanted to name my Moon Flower and her Sunshine something or other. My parents are Hippies. Still are. Probably one big reason I don’t conform to society and I’m a freethinker-OMG A RADICAL! KEEP YOUR KIDS AWAY FROM HER!!
But this is my place to verbalize my BP mind. I don’t expect anyone outside of MI or BP to understand, but a little empathy would be nice. When I say I’m having a bad day, it’s not because I want pity or sympathy. I don’t think any of us WANT that. Besides, it takes a lot for us to get to that “I’m having a bad day” point to vocalize it. We just need someone to talk to that will listen. They don’t have to comment or help us solve the problem. Sometimes we just need to verbalize what’s in our heads-even if it sounds even more absurd when we say it out loud. It will never make sense in our heads, and it will never make sense when we say it out loud. We just hope that when we say “I’m having a bad day” we are met with a little compassion and empathy.
Thanks, Sis, for reading my chaos and not running for the hills and calling the hospital when I don’t make sense. Thanks for having the empathy to try to understand that this is never the choice of life I wanted to live, and that I love you even when I’m bitchy and for not taking it too personally. Thank you for being the best Sister and friend I’ve had through all the crazy bullshit in the past and still to come-cuz there’s more to come 😉 And thanks for believing in me no matter what. I love you ❤
*How To Train Your Dragon reference. If you need another post about that, just ask, Sassafrains.