Title says it all.
I woke up, nauseous, head pounding, skin crawling, jaw clenched. I can crack a walnut between my teeth it’s clenched so tightly together. I had to tell Monkey to chill the fuck out in the car because she was making me more on edge-if that’s even possible. Nope. It wasn’t. It only got worse from there.
The drive to partial today was pure fucking hell. I actually smoked 2 cigarettes-one right after the other and would have smoked a third if I hadn’t needed to pay such close attention to the idiots in their fucking cars not getting the fuck out of my way and NOT USING THEIR TURN SIGNALS. I HATE that. That is my BIGGEST issue with people who drive THAT DON’T USE THEIR GOD DAMNED TURN SIGNAL. It’s so fucking easy to do! I yelled and seethed and pulled my hood up over my head and wished for black out sunglasses. Everything was driving me over the edge. Lights and sound were amplified by a bajillion. Idiocy was rampant on the streets in Indy today. I say with my hood pulled up and down almost over my eyes until lunch. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I’m fucking fucked up and the nurse tells me the Latuda-Latarda/Ladumda-was out of my system in four fucking days. Bull-fucking-shit it is not. RIDDLE-ME-THIS: If it was out in four mother fucking days why am I getting worse instead of better?! The shit has fucked my brain up, and I am not fucking happy that I’m fucking like this. If it was out in four god damned days why the FUCK am I here getting help when my OWN mental health team won’t fucking see me?! HMMMM???! Fucking FUCK
Lunch was awful. Everything tasted bad-the bread was EXTRA dry, the tomatoes tasted foul, the spinach tasted rancid, and my fucking bell peppers didn’t taste like a damn thing. Only good thing on my sammich was the fucking pickles. FUCK! Even my chips weren’t chippy enough.
I saw the doc-and I presented an bit of a problem in trying to find a med that I HAVEN”T tried that won’t send me further into looneyville. Goodluckdoc! I said I REALLy just want to get this anxiety under control first before I start anything-oh, did I mention I heard and saw shit today?! Yeah, the Laturda is outta my system my fucking redheaded white ass. The therapist and nurse think I’m manic or even mixed. I said I wasn’t like this until that fucking med. I was very honest with the doc and he was very honest with me-and THAT’S the shit I fucking appreciate: When I get listened to and heard, my feelings are taken into consideration and we come to an agreement TOGETHER. CHEESUS LERD WHY CAN’T OTHER MENTAL HEALTH-FUCKING HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONALS BE LIKE THIS?! FUCK. The Doc prescribed me Klonopin.
I ended the day early-the weather here is pretty nice, very fall-like. Came home, and I eventually made it to the pharmacy to fill my prescription. I go back 3-ish minutes later. “Oh we had to call the dr for a clarification because it wasn’t clear on how many times a day it’s to be taken.” Are you fucking….I’m crawling out of my god damned skin. The girls are making it worse. (Not intentional on their part, I’m just fucking sensitive today) So now, I have no med to calm me the fuck down. I didn’t even ATTEMPT my nightly goal because I’m too fucking worked up, no one’s fucking taking my “I’m gonna crawl outta my skin” seriously around the house-and why would they?! THey don’t fucking try to even understand I’m not CHOOSING TO BE THIS WAY-and I could seriously punch a dolphin.
I told everyone this morning I feel stabby. I wish I had a spork so I could just…GAH. I can’t take this feeling. The nausea is back 10-fold-I’m waiting for what little is in my system to revolt. And now I’ll wanna do is color and I can’t even fucking do that. I’m done.