um..I’m in the danger zone. I’m not suicidal, but I could really care less if I stay here in my life. I can see myself in a hospital zombied outta my mind so I don’t have to think anymore. I’m barely maintaining right now..and the worst part is all the people around me done see it-because they’re all so self absorbed that there’s no longer a point to reach out for help here. On my safety plan I done have anyone-what’s the point? It’s not like they’d know wtf to do anyway. I’m glad I have php tomorrow, but I’m not because I think they may want me to go inpatient and that’s not gonna do a thing other than set me off worse and get my drugged outta my gourd…I’m talking to an old hs friend but it’s not helping or hindering..I think I’ll just continue to cry until I fall asleep. Don’t worry, I have no plan in place for suicide. That takes too much mental effort right now and as empty as I feel I wouldn’t escape even then. I just need to keep rising this wave and hope to discuss with the therapist tomorrow..how knows..
Pretty Scary Place
25 Monday May 2015
Posted Mental Illness
in
Surviving the Specter said:
Sass’, my heart goes to you my friend, for the pain you’re feeling right now. Let the crying come full circle – had one the other night blogging about my daughter, consumed by feelings of worthless and resentment. Cry it out, dear. I’ll be up for a bit if you need to unload.
-Chris
sassafrassthefeisty said:
Thanks Chris..I just don’t know where to begin or end..I’m just going to cry myself to sleep because I just don’t understand right now..I’m just fucked up and that’s all there is to it. Thank you again (snotty hugs)
Surviving the Specter said:
Was listening to this when I saw your post. Thought I’d send it in the hopes that it’d pull you through the night. https://youtu.be/r8AjSNEdOlc
One of my favorite groups.
Anxious Mom said:
I wish I knew something helpful to say, but all I have is I’m thinking of you and sending hugs and positive vibes your way. I hope it gets better.
sassafrassthefeisty said:
Thanks E. Sometimes that’s all someone needs. You don’t know how much that means right now. Hugs right back
morgueticiaatoms said:
isporkacorn hugs for you…We should just start our own psychiatric support group. Tessa seems to be stable right now (minus car crash trauma, which hey, is legit as hell), she can be the voice of reason for us. You and I can just go hide out with some chocolate and plastic sporks and glitter glue. Art therapy! I know it’s not funny (sorta) but I’m right there with ya and I blame the Latuda for imbalancing myimbalance. Huh? Yea, at 6 a.m. this is as good as I get. Point is…I get it and I wish we could just reach across those state lines and throat punch an oompa loompa for shits and giggles and call it therapy. ❤
sassafrassthefeisty said:
I like the idea of art therapy! I’m doing mandalas right now and they’re really helping. I’m sick of “professionals” mitigating my latuda damage. I did have a good “break through” today and I’d blog about it if mom would gimmie back the Ethernet cord…and I can’t even see any posts from 2 days ago-wtf is up with that?! My blog peeps are more and better support than everyone else. I love you guys for that ❤
Sarah's Attic of Treasures and Our Neck Of The Woods said:
Oh Sass, I do wish I could help. How many times have you heard that before? How many times have you said it.
Just know that I am praying for you:ALWAYS……I care…I may not understand ALL you are going through….Hell, I don’t understand even a fourth of it.
Gentle hugs. HUGS of any size.
❤ ❤
sassafrassthefeisty said:
Every time I hear it, it lets me know that there are people that care about me and support me no matter what. I know some people find it frustrating but I don’t and I’m thankful for everyone and every time ❤ Thank you for all your prayers. Your pictures from the park actually make me feel better and I can't wait to get down there to Florida again. It gives me something tangible to grasp on to even in the dark. Please keep sharing them even when you feel that you've shared too much. I love them ❤ An thanks for all the hugs and prayers ❤
dianetharp70 said:
Sass I really feel for you! 😦 big hugs! my silly daily ‘fun day’ pictures ‘N’ stuff)
sassafrassthefeisty said:
Thanks Diane ❤ I love them 🙂
dianetharp70 said:
They can be part of our lil’ support group ~ I can be in charge of comedic cheer up, LOL!!
sassafrassthefeisty said:
YAAAAASSS!! I love it!
dianetharp70 said:
We ask need to laugh or will we’ll cry, humor has been my built in life long coping mechanism (I totally blow off everything with inappropriate inside jokes/laughter)
sassafrassthefeisty said:
I love your jokes of the day. I think they’re totally appropriate! I use humor too. Better than curled up in a ball right? 😉
dianetharp70 said:
Absolutely! Comedy-tragedy??
sassafrassthefeisty said:
And make sure that the isporkacorns are decked out in their fabulousness!!
the-reluctant-parent said:
Hi there.
I hope you’re doing better and I know that I haven’t commented on a lot of your blog entries but I read them all.
Being someone who has had depressive episodes, though my therapist from almost 5 years ago who I went to see after the little girl was born because that just really fucked my head up, she said that I most likely have dysthymia which I’m sure you know is a less chronic form of depression but it’s more pervasive in that it’s like it’s a part of your personality or just more long standing.
I know myself that I’ve had thoughts of just wanting it all to end and a friend of mine said it best once when I asked her if she believed in the afterlife. She said “if there is an afterlife, it has to be better than this one because it sucks”.
I have to cut this short because I have to manage a fight. the little girl is making the little boy cry which happens every single day around here and I try to let them work it out but there are times when it just hurts my ears and I have to make it stop or I’ll go completely postal.
sassafrassthefeisty said:
Today was a rough day. Very hypersensitive to light and sound. My kids fight constantly and no amount of refereeing matters. I haven’t personally had lots of suicidal thoughts or ideation, but here lately the blanket of depression is smothering me. I agree with your friend. This life does suck AT TIMES, but there are good times too..just hard to remember or find them when you’re in such a shit place. And your environment does NOT help either. I want to go postal at your house for you. 🙂 I’m catching up on a weeks worth of blogs, and I’m thinking of unfollowing some-as I’m not in a good place for happy rainbow shit 😉
OzzyGirl said:
Save yourself for better days. You are worth it.
sassafrassthefeisty said:
Thanks. I’m doing the best I can..I’m getting pretty scared though
OzzyGirl said:
I have been there. Some days all I could do was save myself for a better day. I am sending you peace.
sassafrassthefeisty said:
thanks. i need all i can get ❤