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empty eyesDinner last night was great.  I genuinely laughed and genuine smiled.  There was lots of back and forth.  I felt very comfortable for the first time in months.  I felt as if I were “back to stable Sass”, even if for a moment in time.  I watched a hockey game and talked sports-I do NOT do this.  Cute Neighbor Guy is so very different, and I find it very refreshing and breathtaking in good ways.

I rode the high home-he’s taking me out to lunch in 2 weeks when he’s less exhausted (48 hour back-to-back jobs) and I’m very excited about that.  I was honest and told him I thought he would bail because of work and he said no.  It wouldn’t have mattered how late he would have had to work we still would have had dinner.  I grinned stupidly in the dark at that.  I thanked him again for dinner.

Then I did something completely and utterly idiotic.


I went to see an old high school friend.  He’s going through a rough time-I’m a fucking fixer.  I want to fix others since I can’t fix myself..anyway..I was at his job from 1030 pm-6 am..we talked a lot.  I was very honest with him and myself about where I am in my life. Even after everything I to him last night-my fears, my honesty, my constant roller coaster emotions, he said he would wait for me.  I even told him about Florida-how I fell in love and he put me on a pedestal and played music for me and EVERYTHING.  It’s not that I had the verbal varmit, it’s that he has a right to know I am so fucked up I am NOT good for anyone right now.  And he said he would wait for me.  He waited 18 years, what’s a few more, right?  The worst part..is I kissed him.  I not only kissed him I wanted him to fuck me in my car and I knew EXACTLY why I wanted him too: I didn’t-don’t want to be empty.  I wanted the void gone.  And I didn’t care if I used him for that purpose.


When I was with him I could laugh but after it I felt the void, the emptiness-hollow.  NOTHING would have been better than that.  I’m not comparing Cute Neighbor Guy to Band Guy, but I’m just so fucked up right now..why should Band Guy wait on a “maybe”?  I may never get back to me pre-Latarda.  That’s a reality I may have to accept.  But he also has High School Sass stuck in his head.  That chick grew up and then died.  She does not exist anymore.  And I’m afraid that he will keep holding on to her.  He’s only been with 2 women and compared both to me.  And we never really “dated” in high school.  He remembers so much..I remember so little-the meds have robbed me of so much.

Point..where was I going??  Oh yeah…I don’t know if he can accept this newer, more damaged version of me.  I don’t know if he can handle me and my erratic behavior.  And frankly, I don’t want him too.  Why would anyone WANT to choose this kind of fuckedupness??  (Zoe this is where I’m confused on your decision).  Band Guy is a good guy, don’t get me wrong, but he doesn’t have the kind of strength I need..and he hasn’t let go and has worshipped the Sass I was 18 years ago.  And I was comparing him to Florida..I know that’s not right, but Florida did MANY things..but Band Guy could never hold a flame to Florida.

I came home and waited for BBF to call me back to talk-I was seriously upset..and guess what?  She never did.   THAT shit pisses me off.  I went to be upset-was up 24, 25 hours, had about 3 or so hours of sleep, and I feel like shit.  I feel the void devolving into a black hole, sucking all the warmth and good away again.  At least if it were a Dementor I’d die..with this shit, I wouldn’t be so lucky.

The cycle of hopeless emptiness and void less flatness continues…empty