I’ve been sitting here for half an hour wondering what in the hell I wanted to blog about-because there’s always something irritating me I can get out there…or something to do with BP or my life. And every time I go to start the ideas go WHOOSH right out of my ear. Honestly, I can’t catch a thought and hold on to it long enough to write about it. Maybe because I’m mentally and physically exhausted now that Dr Asshole has me back at work. It’s messed up my med and sleep schedule. We know that’s not good. We don’t need and even CRANKIER Sass-and yes, that IS completely possible. Fuck all.
My meds seem to be working quite well. I see the new psych doc tomorrow and I’m going to see about coming off the trileptal completely. THe best way to describe how I feel is from the new Muse Drones album off the first track: Dead Inside. That’s how I feel. Today the void and the emptiness seemed to swallow me up for a while and it was so overwhelming that I was able to cry for a little bit-without a real trigger. I was ranting to a friend and it just gobbled me up and I couldn’t stop it and I just sat here and cried. My friend felt helpless and wished they could be there for me and I said I don’t want anyone to hold me because it’ll just trigger me more and I’ll freak out even more and I don’t want that. I don’t want anyone to hold me while I fall apart. I don’t want anyone. (You know where that road will lead and I’m NOT going down it) I made a trip to the store for laundry detergent and softener, and managed to lose BOTH kids in the store. Instead of panicking and racing for the service desk, I just wandered aimlessly until I found them. I mean, they’re 13 and 8, respectively, but still…I should have at least freaked a BIT when Monkey POOFED. Her brother said she went to the bathroom, so I wandered back that way and saw her and yelled for her and she came running. I gave her a big hug, then distracted her with pictures and then the flowers outside. And I love to look at flowers…and I felt NOTHING. Fuck this shit SUCKS ASS. I found a picture that I wanted to buy that was on clearance-60% off, and I couldn’t buy it. Was just like, cool, and walked away. WTF. I had and extra klonopin today too because I was feeling all not right when I woke up and after I had emailed my friend. I’m just…dead inside.
My dreams are crazy too. He’s in them, and we talk, even after the Closure, and my complete deletion of him from my phone. I can’t erase the memories we created, but I can prevent my ability to contact him and vice-versa. Fuckall.
And what in the holy FUCK is up with all these bold and highlighted words and green arrows on WP?! I can’t scroll through a blog now without some fucked up shit popping up in the middle of a post and just FUCK! I thought it was my computer, so I’ve done three deep scans and all that jazz and everything’s fine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WORDPRESS!! Someone help me fix this because I seriously want to punch the screen. Not to mention it’s heart stopping when I’m reading and some ad plays at full volume when I’m not expecting it. Cheeses I’ve peed my pants TWICE today. Bullshit.
I also managed to do two loads of laundry. This is an amazing feat as I did one this weekend and it took FOREVER to dry…it was a delicate load so it couldn’t use high heat and why in the world am I explaining to you guys my laundry?! OMG Sass is LOSING IT! Maybe I’m just starved for human interaction…i don’t fucking know. Dead Inside.
All I know is right now I hate my job-I hate that I can’t HELP my residents at my job. I LOATHE that I’m in so much pain and nothing helps. I’m pissed my sleep and med routines are now completely fucked. I’m frustrated that I can’t fucking FEEL anything from the things that usually made me happy-like my kids and chocolate. Even the weather here is lousy-rainy and cool. I can’t even enjoy the sun because it’s not out very often. And it’s coming up to July tomorrow and that my depressive month…joy.
For your viewing pleasure…