*Written June 2
Today has just been shit. Utter and complete shit.
I saw the ortho doc today. I’m going to have to have surgery. Figured I would need it. Best case is that my Labrum just needs a little scrape clean. Second best is I might need a little stitch. Worse case is a repair. He will take care of the bone spur so that will help a lot. So, three weeks out I will be scoped. Depending on what’s done will depend on heal time. Easy route, 4-6 weeks heal time plus pt. Worse case, 12 weeks plus pt. Either way, my summer is shit. Joy.
The depression is worsening. I have been in the same clothes for going on 3 (?) days now. I haven’t seen the psychiatrist again in partial. I have asked for extra days in partial so that he is able to see the med in my system once I get it. Hopefully. Maybe now with this upcoming surgery they will let me stay a few days longer.
I’m on a VERY dangerous path. I’m on the verge of recklessness in order to feel ANYTHING other than the fucking void that I feel devolving into a black hole. I don’t care who I hurt emotionally-including myself-in order to do that. I’m far from suicidal, but I am in a VERY VERY VERY dangerous place. And the fact I can recognize this lets me know that there is SOME rational part of my brain functioning in there somewhere. But I feel it trying to be overridden by the emotional don’t give a fuck. I’m tired of feeling empty. I’m tired of feeling alone. I’m fucking TIRED of feeling the void. There’s NOTHING there, and it hurts that I can’t fucking FEEL anything. For a few short-lived hours Saturday night I felt connected to someone again…but in all honesty, I don’t know if it’s even worth it to try. How sad and scary is that? I want to stay in my room, under my blanket where it’s safe and warm and comforting and familiar. I’m tired of having to be around people. Even being out here in the living room is taking every fucking ounce of energy I have and I don’t know if I can do it much longer. I’m just done. So done. I want to get in my car and drive away. I want to not try to prevent someone hitting me in my car. Because I am in THAT place where I don’t care. I don’t care that the people meant to help me don’t care. I don’t care that no one around me sees that I don’t care.
I don’t have anyone to fucking talk to here, in person, that won’t judge me or tell me it’ll be alright or that they’re gonna save me from myself. There’s a fucking army marching to get me, and no matter HOW much I prepare, it’s always there, trying to kill me.
I would be happy to be oblivious in a hospital right now. At least then MAYBE someone can SEE how badly I am. I feel NOTHING, so why not LOOK like I feel-empty. I was trying to look at pictures of me from awhile ago…and there a theme that’s constantly repeated-empty eyes. Vacant stares that no one sees. Even with my mask off, no one sees me. I’m faceless, invisible.
And I don’t care to fight it right now.
Because I’ve lost my will to fight any longer. I am ready to succumb to the darkness of the depression, to let it blanket it me in it’s smothering coldness and drag me under the water and drown me in its depths of hell.
Because no one hears my cries for help here, in my physical world. Only you guys, my blogger friends are the only ones that care enough to encourage me to fight. But I’m so tired…idk how to do this anymore…