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Ok, so if any of you know I’ve had a HORRIBLE 4 months from the Latuda-now dubbed Latarda and Ladumbda.  ANYWAY…I started PHP again, and I got an extra 5 days because I was so whack-a-do and my psych nurse didn’t seem to be in any fucking hurry to see me when I told her of all the shit going on.  So pissed and fucking let down by her.

So, Wednesday is my last day, I’m not stepping down to IOP-it didn’t help me one fucking bit LAST time I went, so I’m getting thrown back out into the great big wide world.  But I noticed something since meeting with the psychiatrist at PHP-he fucking listened to me, and he took into account ALL the meds I’ve been on, and took into consideration that I WON’T go back on the Abilify because I had a 30 pound weight gain over 5 years, and I lost 50 from all the shit this past year.  So, he put me on Saphris-and I swear it’s like that shit jump-started my appetite again.  I’m feeling more everything-SLOWLY, but I’m feeling more.  The emotions and the feelings TIED to those emotions are coming back.  I’m not out of the emptiness void zone NOR am I out of the Danger Zone, but I’m getting away from them.  SLowly, inch by fucking inch.  And it feels really good at the times I’m actually feeling it.  It’s like the water that tickles your toes when the tide is coming in.  It’s all slow and steady.  And I am VERY ok with that.

Today I was honest and told my nurse that I had suicidal thoughts, and I was brushed aside.  I was like are you fucking kidding me?!  I had SEVERE suicidal thoughts and I didn’t take my meds so I could fucking DRINK this weekend and nothing.  Not “How are you feeling today?” or “Do you know what brought them on?”  That shit right fucking there triggers the fuck outta me to get anxious and fucking stabby.  Right there are fucking triggers that are on my safety plan.  I’m at the point to where I don’t even fucking give a rat’s flying fucking ass about this shit.  I do EVERYTHING I possible can to make sure I don’t go down the rabbit hole, and still…there I go.  And it’s STUPID shit like that that causes it.  I’m fucking dismissed by the fucking professionals.  I’m so fucking TIRED of this shit that I wonder why I even bother most times.  THe people paid to help me fucking dismiss me when my shit gets serious because why?  I LOOK functioning?!  Because I LOOK better than I was when I walked in the door?  I’m just so fucking sick and fucking TIRED of this shit.  I GET there are others that need attention too, but holy fuck…times like these I see why my parents drink like they do.  I can’t say I’m lost ALL hope in a mental health team, but I’m getting pretty fed the fuck up with trying to continue on with finding a solid ground.  Seriously….why bother?

I’m FEELING the anger course through my body and I’m feeling the adrenaline pump through my system.  I feel all the ways my body reacts to the frustration and anger and hatred-things that I couldn’t feel before when I wrote about them.  The haze is lifting slowly, but it’s lifting.  4 months.  4 long, hard, empty months.  I talked to my mom and even my MOM said she would rather have me unmedicated than have me back on that med again.  THAT’S saying something about Latuda.  It’s a fucking dangerous drug for those of us with Bipolar Disorder.  Out of the group of us that were on it, I was on it the longest, and it’s taken THIS LONG to start to return to the ME we are all used and accustomed too.  Fuck me..I’m just fucking tired of being jacked around, not heard and dismissed by those meant to “help”.  When all they’ve done is HINDER.  And I don’t give 2 flying FUCKS if I pay you by the money out of my pocket or by my taxes to those who need it.  THe professionals aren’t doing US a damn bit of good by dismissing our concerns about meds, affects and effects from meds, or just fucking LISTENING when we are all over the map from emotions or hormones.  You know, the ONLY one that listened to me during this ENTIRE fucked up ride was my OBGYN.  He explained about hormones and brain and body and he said “we’ll try a lower dose hormone birth control to see how that does.  If you feel it’s not enough or isn’t working for you, come back.”  Do you know those 15 fucking minutes he took with me made me feel more at ease than any other of this bullshit I’ve dealt with?!  15 minutes, he listened to me, didn’t brush me aside, explained stuff, used his judgment as my doctor-knowing my history as well-and made a very educated decision when I wasn’t really ready or able too.  He saw my concerns.  Shit, it’s time for my annual anyway.  Better schedule that.

Oh…OH!  And I have to have a second opinion for shoulder surgery.  HIP HOORAY.  I mean, SERIOUSLY!  So I now have a curse case manager-who is a LOVELY woman and is making me feel very calm and at ease and is doing her fucking best to get me in sooner rather than later for this “second opinion” so that I can get the surgery to get me back to work.  She agrees I need the surgery.  There’s no way around it.  Even Dr Wonder said I need it, but he won’t know how bad it is until he gets in there-Whoopee.  Could be as easy as just scraping my Labrum or as complex as a repair.  Either way, my summer is shot.  Sigh.  Oh Fucking Well.  I don’t qualify for FMLA or disability because I only worked there 6 FUCKING WEEKS before I dislocated my shoulder.  And I know why it happened.  16 hours back to back every weekend and not allowing my body any rest between those 2 days.  I’m just not cut out for it anymore.  That’s my reality.  Sucks, but I gotta face it.  I need to be more clerical-which is BLAH-OR…it’s time to get my divorce so I can go to school and better myself in a new field that REALLY interests me where I’m not constantly taking care of someone else instead of myself.  That’s the one thing I’ve learned THIS time in PHP-the reason why I’m in health care in the first place.  It’s not a healthy reason.  I need to break these bonds.  BLAH..I need to get out of toxic places-and I’d say away from toxic people, but shit I don’t have “friends”.  WTF are THOSE?!  And by “friends” I mean those beings in my area that I can actually look at and touch…not that I’d want to ANYWAY with cooties floating around again.  Damn cootie shot wore off last year.  Been a BIT busy to go back to the playground and get another.

So yes, the haze is lifting.  FINALLY.  Anybody seen Reggie?? Last time I saw him he was cantering about on a field of beheaded Popples….