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I hopped on FB yesterday for the first time in months.  Good GAWD I hate it.  I had so many messages…  I deleted the FB and Messenger Apps from my phone.  No one talked to me.  Why have it take up precious space when I can take TONS of pictures of my kiddos or my dog?  BTW-I HATE iCLOUD.  It says my storage is full and it shouldn’t be, and it pisses me off to no end when I can’t log in there to undo shit.  Anyway.  I had messages.  Some from 2014…seriously WTF?!  I can’t read Arabic, no I don’t want to talk to you, no I have no FUCKING CLUE who you are-holy shit.

He messaged me.

June 18.

I stared at that message for 15 minutes.

And debated texting him or ignoring it.

I couldn’t ignore it.

It was a very ODD conversation.  Very one sided-not my side.  He got my letter and read it.  He hates reading.

He said I can’t be sending him letters or random texts.  I said that’s the only letter he’ll get from me, and I only text because of his FB message.  I haven’t tried to contact him since April when my shoulder was first fucked up.  I said he can do whatever he wants to my letter.  It’s just my way of letting go.  And I will respect him.

“Be safe”

And that beautiful chapter of my life book is written and has ended like that.

It doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as I THOUGHT it would, but I’m not acting like everything is ok.  It’s not, and I’m not.

I talked to BBF about it, and she said some of the most loving things to me that made me realize how much I’ve grown as a person the past year and a half.  She said she’s “proud of my for being strong and logical.  I’ve seen and continue seeing how much you are growing and improving yourself and the way you handle life’s curve balls.  A year and a half ago you’d have been committed and they key tossed if you were going thru all this and you were the Old Shannon.  I mean that as a compliment on what you’ve become not an insult to what you used to be.  I love the Old Shannon and the new Shannon wouldn’t be who she is without her.”  I don’t think I would have been able to make it through a lot if it hadn’t been for her.

And I know that He taught me that I’m worth so much and I deserve so much more than what I’ve been given.  And I can never repay him for that.  He will always have a very special place in my heart, a place no one will ever be able to touch.  He did what no one else could or tried to do.

Thank you, Florida, for so much.  I only wish you to be happy.

The void and emptiness are a little less in size, but they’ll always be there.  I’ve accepted that.  Maybe that’s from the meds, or from what I’ve been through emotionally.  I don’t know.  It’s just a part of what has happened to me, another piece of my puzzle.

Letting go is fucking HARD…REALLY FUCKING HARD.  But it’s time to do that.  I did it, my own way, and I’m ok with it.  Still hurts like a mother fucker.  Gets a little easier hour by hour.  I’m not crying.  I’m not angry or sad or pissed or bereft or lonely.  I’m at peace.

And I think that’s the most important part of closure.

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