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Today I saw my new psych doc.  I really like him.  He makes eye contact when I talk to him, and he sits across from me at the same level so I don’t feel like I’m inferior.  We talked about my meds and my base line and asked how I was compared to 6 months ago.  6 months ago I was blissfully in love and happy and making plans for a future.  He asked what happened and I said the Latuda.  I could see him connecting dots in his head, hear the gears working wildly.  He’s a smart doc, that one.  He talked to me about med options-which I’ve never had or been given before.  He said we can keep everything as it is, add in Wellbutrin, or increase the Zoloft.  I said I wanted to increase the Zoloft and decrease the Trileptal.  The only reason I was started on the Trileptal was because I have such irritability and agitation, but the Klonopin has REALLY helped with that.  I want to get off of the Trileptal.  I like that the doc is trying to treat me slowly with one thing at a time than trying to treat all the symptoms I present.  So I figure it’s quite possible-after talking with the Dear Morgue, that I’ve had more anxiety that’s been treated as more mania, so maybe I don’t need the mood stabilizers as I once thought.  Who knows?  One thing at a time.  So my new med combo will be this:
Klonopin .5mg 2x daily
Zoloft 100mg 1x daily
Trileptal 150mg 2x daily
Low Dose birth control
I’m cool with this.  He wants to see me again in 3 weeks.  Sounds great to me.

I quit my job today.  I didn’t feel I had any choice.  I got my appointment times mixed up, and so I called off work because I wasn’t sure how long it would take since it is my first appointment with him.  The ED called me back with the scheduler and wanted to know where I was and why this appointment was going to take 5 hours and they don’t know of any doctor’s offices open after 5.  I had to put the brakes on that.  I said no I’m in Greenwood at Valle Vista with a new doctor.  I got the times mixed up and I don’t know how long the appointment will take.  The appointment that will take a long time is on Tuesday.  My ED told me I needed to get a note on a prescription saying I was there and to come into work after that.  Seriously?!  What the actual fuck is this shit?!  You think I would make this up?!?!  I had to get the “note” and come back to mom and dad’s because I had the kids with me.  I talked to mom about it, and I said I can’t do this.  This shift is fucking with my med schedule and the kids’ sleep schedule, MY sleep schedule, and my shoulder is hurting so badly I can’t sleep on top of that.  It’s not my parent’s job to take care of my kids 5 days a week because I was forced to a different shift without being informed or asked.  I took my “note”, my scrubs and my name tag in and gave it to the scheduler and said “I quit.”  I didn’t even get a backwards glance or a why.  Shows you how much I’m valued as an employee.  Fuck it.

I feel lighter.  I feel a little freer.  I made dinner for my family tonight and we ate around the table and talked 😀  My kids are getting showered and are going to be in bed at 10-me too!  I’ve already taken my night meds.  I’m going to take a shower too-and I’m gonna have my mom help me take my bra off that I’ve been wearing for 6 days.  Yeah, that’s the kind of shit that I have to deal with because of my shoulder.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Maybe we’ll rent a movie at Redbox.  And I’ll color with Monkey’s new sidewalk chalk.  I’m going to look into school for a different job altogether.  I’m done with health care.  My body and my mental health can’t take it.  My kids need me more, and my mental health needs to be stable for them.  I don’t need this shit, they don’t need this shit, and my PARENTS don’t need this shit.  I’m just gonna shake it off, let it go, move on, yada yada yada.  😉

Because even police are cool 😉