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I’ve been listening to Linkin Park alot.  I’ve been talking to BBF about HIM.  I don’t expect anyone to understand when I say that there’s a connection that reaches beyond between us.  I got my closure.  I deleted every text message , his contact information in my phone.  Blocked him on Skype, deleted him from Kik.  I’m not reaching out.  I’m letting go.  I’m trying to move on with my life.

But it’s the dreams.  That’s when he comes to talk to me.  It makes no fucking sense.  He gave me closure and I am respecting him and all that.  Then why, WHY IN THE WORLD does he come to me at night to talk to me?  And it’s not about dream things.  We talked about my playing guitar and laughed.  We talked about how things are going for each of us.  Like friends do.  I feel him come at night and try to lay with me and I have to mentally fight and push him away-not for me but for him.  I’m letting go…he needs to let go.  He made his decision, and I don’t blame him or hold his responsible for anything that has happened.  I made my decision and I am doing what is best for me.  I see myself in that car, looking into those wolf-like eyes, that neon yellow shirt like a beacon for me to come back, him holding my hand and telling me he loves me and touching my face, my hand covering my mouth to stifle the sobs that threatened to break through, and telling him to let me go.  “Please, you have to let me go.”  And I need him to do that now-again, as painful as it is for him.  And I know why it’s painful for him, and I know WHY he doesn’t want to sever that bond completely.

The last time we talked he said maybe we can see each other again.  I said maybe.  He said he can’t tell the future.  Neither can I.  But I feel like our paths will cross again.  They always seem to do that.  I’m not listening to his mix as much anymore.  The pain isn’t as debilitating as it once was.  The void is less, the emptiness is less too.  I think they’ll always be there.  Maybe..I don’t know.

I’ve been doing alot of thinking about alot of things..nothing is super coherent when I think, but I know my brain is trying to get back to firing capacity after my serious med fuck up.  I’m coming down from the trileptal-300 mgs daily now instead of 1200.  I’m hoping to get off of it since I know have the klonopin and that seems to be helping with the anxiety that was missed and interpreted as mania.  I know that my mood is stabilized better.  Maybe is was all the anxiety.  I’m hoping to bypass the July depression..up to 100 mg of the zoloft and it’s helping slowly.  July is bad for my mom, my aunt and me.  I love July for the heat, hate the sad memories.

My computer is STILL not right.  I’ve done so many scans and deep scans and defrags…I’ve cookied myself out too.  I had deja vu last night so that kinda freaked me out.  While STILL trying to figure out WHY my computer is running like shit I was talking to HIM.  I FROZE and texted BBF and was like OMG blah blah blah.  She was baffled by it.  Me too-still am, actually.  Sigh.  I’m still trying to do my best to figure it out before resorting to “professional” work…oh gawd the thought…He was a genius.  He fixed it the last time.  See??  Memories keep popping up when you least expect or want them.  Fucking sucks.

I’m watching the girls “craft” so who knows what mess will accompany when they are finished.  I managed a shower saturday-mom had to help me with my bra *shoulder was SHOT* and dishes and tea this morning.  I’ve also swept the kitchen and I need to vacuum all the puppy feathers from May.  The thought of dusting it too much though.  Forget that.

Ugh, headache is coming on…damn side effect.  BUT I’ll take a headache over needing a 2-3 hour nap during the day.  That’s the thing about med tweaks and myself.  I know my body well enough to adjust my med times to minimize side effects.  Only the sleeping for 10 or so hours.  I know that’s my brain and body recovering from the four months of med fuck up.  And that’s a thing with Bipolar people don’t get… how after a depressive or manic episode the brain actually NEEDS recovery time.  I’m sure that there are all kinds of holes if I had a PET or CAT scan of my brain.  From the mania and depression and all the meds!  Abilify was my wonder drug for 5 years..but the 30 pound weight gain that DID NOT come off no matter how active I was, and the memory loss …I used to remember peoples names and DATES when I’d met them.  Now?  I’m terrible with them.  BUT, I DO know that today is Monday.  I’m remembering the days of the week-so that counts as a victory in my book.

I need to get back to that good blogging spot pre-Latarda.  Fucking shit.  I’m all for medication and therapy for me to be in my safe zone.  But when I’ve had such a HORRIBLE reaction to a medication that’s toted as the “latest and greatest” and I ended up in four months of med hell-you better fucking believe I’m trying to mitigate any further med damage.  And sometimes that means changing mental health teams, and really having to talk to people or cut them out of my life.  It’s just the path I’m at in my life.  It’s not that I’m burning bridges, as much as I fucking WANT too, it’s that I’m making conscious healthy decisions for me and my kids.  They deserve a healthy and happy mom, and I deserve happy and healthy kids.  And to do that, I need to do what’s best for my mental health.

And sometimes that means letting go of things that I wanted but I know I’ll never have.  And that’s ok, it just means I get to do other things I’d never thought I’d do.  Like going to Florida by myself all on my own without anyones help.  Getting my car fixed and paying for the repairs myself-makes me feel great!  Getting my kids school supplies without having to answer to every penny I spend.  Falling in love.  Things that alot of people take for granted.

I’m gonna live my life to the best of my ability and I’m not going to let ANYONE or ANYTHING stop me.  You don’t want to see what will happen if they try.

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