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I want to write.  I wish I felt the NEED to write.  But I don’t.  I don’t feel the need to DO anything.  I’ve had a long emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting week.

I’m sleeping about 10 hours a night, my body and brain recovering from that 4 months of medication overkill, where I didn’t sleep I freaking blacked out when I went to bed and was on autopilot.  I spent 15 days at my local psychiatric hospital in their partial hospitalization program where I started different meds.  Whereupon I took 6 days of Saphris and I had suicidal thoughts.  $110 down the drain right there.  Fuck.  Didn’t see the doc until my last day and added in Zoloft and decreasing the trileptal.  Thank the fucking LORD because that shit…ffs I was on 1200 mgs A DAY.  I’m now down to 300 mgs a day, and I’m hoping to come off of it altogether and just be on the klonopin and Zoloft-which he’s now increased to 100 mgs and I’m good with that, especially going into my depressive month of July.  Tweaking the time to take it has been rough.  Too early and I needed a nap.  Too late and I had a RAGING headache.  Lately I was taking it around noon or so, but then I forgot to eat because I developed pregnancy like nausea.  Ew.  So Tonight I have taken it after dinner-in which dad made cowboy ribeyes and fresh garden squash on the grill, and so far so good.  Now I’m getting sleepy-and I’m having terrible jaw clenching, so I may ask to go up on the klonopin next visit.  It gets really bad around 5 pm and 8-9 pm.  Every night.  Just part of my Bipolar Coaster.

Tuesday I had my FCE-Functional Capacity Evaluation-at the local therapy place recommended by Dr Asshole.  5 hours they put me through my paces, and I’ll be damned by the end my shoulder was toast.  The pain got up to a 7.  OUCH!!  The people there were super nice though.  Wednesday I followed up with Dr Asshole and he was making me move my shoulder and I said I need a minute.  He said I’m almost done and I said I’m have NAUSEATING PAIN right now.  HELLO!  That SHOULD be a clue that my shoulder is FUBARed.  So.  He said he was impressed with my eval-I felt like I didn’t do good at all.  But I am now on permanent work restrictions.  No overhead work.  Can’t lift more than 7 pounds, but I can occasionally crawl.  WTF SERIOUSLY?!  CRAWL?!?!  Whatever.  Tamara my case manager and I talked.  She said that I will get some kind of compensation through work comp, probably enough to help with two months of bills, and I should be able to get help through Indiana Vocational Rehabilitation for school.  I’ve been a CNA for 15 years, and now that part of my life is over.  I’m kinda sad about that, but relieved at the same time.  It means I can find a job with better hours for my kids.  A job that won’t require me to but in days off a month in advance, or working appointments around my days off, working every or every other weekend.  Maybe finally being able to let my kids do after school activities!  It’s all still sinking in.

Thursday I took May to get her bathed at the local pet store.  They have a dog wash and for $12 I can go in, wash and dry her and leave.  And leave the mess-which is awesome because she’s a German Shedder (haha) and there was fur on the freaking WALLS!  Even clogged the drain.  Sigh, but it needed to be done.

But yesterday….oh for the love of all that was HOLY…FIRST thing she did was roll in shit.  So, I had to give her ANOTHER wash down, which mean I needed to wash the towels and wash clothes and I just said FUCK IT!!  We are cleaning this house from top to bottom!  Mom retreated to her room, and I had NSLM vacuüm the studio and change his bed sheets and pillowcases.  I had Monkey clean up her “area” and all the crap she had drug out.  I washed my bed sheets and pillowcases, and blankets galore.  I pulled cushions off the couch and chair.  I vacuumed the vent in the living room.  I vacuumed the living room the bedroom.  Monkey vacuumed the stairs.  I dusted.  I washed windows and mirrors.  I did most of the laundry.  I swept all the hard floors as well and took out the trash.  I cleaned the bathroom and the toilets.  This house is fucking CLEAN!  Today I helped mom and dad install the new dishwasher-and my that I supervised, and I helped do yard work.  We cut down flowers and pulled out old bushes-well, I KIND OF pulled out old bushes.  We trimmed the willow tree in the back yard, and cut down the rest of Ma’s Hollyhocks and the Yucca stalks.  I burnt sticks and old dried up tree limbs-I LOVE fire.  Fire is beautiful to me.  Yes, it’s destructive and dangerous, but respect it, and it’s magical.  That’s me.  I’m teaching that to my kids.

It’s been so rainy and cool here this summer that it’s not helping my mood either.  Last Sunday was the first time I’ve been to the pool.  And it was a perfect summer day.  Not too hot or humid, a slight breeze when you started to sweat.  I was able to get some sun on my “pasty” skin.  I enjoyed it.  Now, fucking rain.  Rain rain rain rain RAIN!  We’ve had flash flooding this week.  It’s been awful.  I guess I shouldn’t be too upset.  At least we don’t have watering and burn bans like we did a few years ago.

I’m still dealing with the void and the emptiness.  It comes and goes.  Some days it’s pretty prevalent-like today it’s been pretty bad.  Some days I hardly notice it.  I think about HIM often.  Hopefully that will fade in time.  maybe…

I was finally able to watch the last episodes of “Outlander” and I whined about having to wait to see season too that’s in production now.  They have done such a great job with it!  I never finished watching “the Following”.  I was too upset to watch it end.  Maybe when it comes out on DVD I’ll watch the last episodes.  Maybe…  There’s a lot of maybes in my life right now.  And I’m ok with that.  There doesn’t have to be this SET IN STONE YOU HAVE TO DO THIS NOW thing for my life.  I just have to do me and what’s best for my kids.  They’re at their dad’s this weekend, and I miss them-even though when they’re here they drive me bat shit fucking crazy.  But they’re my kids.  And I love them until the end of time.  No matter how assholey they can and will get, they are my children.  Best things to happen in my 20’s-NSLM and Monkey.  The rest?  It was shit.

Boy howdy this turned into a random as fuck post.  Guess I needed to write more than I thought.  There’s still more in this red-head, but I’m tired and I have fresh sheets on my bed calling my name.  Hopefully tonight I can sleep without the weird as fuck dreams.  Maybe…