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Today was my follow-up with Dr K.  After yesterday’s Zoloft Rash of Terror and Hell, I am now the PROUD owner of so many bruises I look like I was beaten.  Hooray.  Even Cute Neighbor Guy looked appalled at my legs when I picked him up.  Yeah, gotta love random side effects from meds.  Fuck it.

I like Dr K.  He reads his notes back to me, and then he asks how I’m feeling.  The usual, void, empty, black hole sucking the happiness and warmth from everything.  I have VERY few moments of happiness where I FEEL them, and the are fleeting.  Like a dragonfly buzzing around.  You see it, then it’s gone.  Fucking sucks.  I WANT TO FEEL AGAIN GOD DAMMIT!  He asked if that was normal for me and I said OH NO!  I didn’t start this until the Latarda/Trileptal fucked shit (well I didn’t say it THAT way, but ya know)  I’ve told him that I’ve starting taking the Klonopin 3 times a day because between 3-6 I grit my teeth and I just want to relax.  He wasn’t too happy about that-but I think he was impressed I was honest.  So now I’m on a new med line up-big shock there, right?!

I am still on Klonopin 2x a day
NO MORE TRILEPTAL-YAAAAAAY!
NO MORE ZOLOFT-THANK THE MEDICINE GODS!
Adding in Buspar-I think 2x a day
Adding in Celexa 1x a day
Adding in Wellbutrin 1x a day
Lose Dose Birth Control
Multivitamin
Prednisone
Atarax

This is how my dr explained it-and I LOVE him for it.

“It’s kind of like cooking, and finding the right measurements of the ingredients.  Everyone is different, so they need to be treated as such.  Just think of the Wellbutrin and a sprinkle of salt on top.”

I actually smiled and laughed at that because I GOT IT and HE GOT IT.  It’s not a “ONE SIZE FITS ALL” mentality with Dr K.  It’s “EVERYONE IS AN INDIVIDUAL WITH DIFFERENT BRAIN CHEMISTRY AND METABOLISM AND SHOULD BE TREATED INDIVIDUALLY”  Can I clone him?!  He makes me so super comfortable when I’m there I cross my legs up in the seat and lean over the table and talk with him intently.  I’ve never really had that in the almost 10 years of being diagnosed.

So, tomorrow I will start my new pill dosing.  YAY SOUP LADLE FOR PILL HANDOUTS!  Fucking fuck.

Let’s just hope that I can feel again.  I miss feeling-feeling anything but nothing.

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