For the love of all that’s Holy why on “God’s Green Earth” was I blessed with this curse?!
After my Zoloft rash and subsequent bruising, and my med change I have come to the conclusion that I am: 1) Detoxing from Zoloft, and 2) Have hit a hypomanic high that I boarded on insane. Here’s yesterday’s shenanigans.
I woke up completely “antsy” outta my body. I was twitchy and restless and I could NOT sit or stand still. So, I went outside and brushed my dog-for 14 minutes and had three puppy-sized fluff balls on the chair. I had Monkey empty the dishwasher, then I loaded it. I made NSLM “sweep” and you’da thought I’d asked him to cut off his fucking arm. Dammit boy, no more free fucking rides. So after he “swept”, I had to go back and re sweep. Irritation level at 50 and it’s only 11 am. I gave my mom a pedicure on the patio, then gave myself one and then did my hands. I washed out the foot bath. I started laundry-I stripped the beds all the way down. Washed mattress pads and sheets, separated the clothes. I dusted a little bit. Monkey vacuumed upstairs-then I “finished”. NSLM “vacuumed” his room, and then I tackled my bedroom and living room. OHMYFLUFFINGGOD ALL OF THE DOG HAIR! I had to keep emptying the dirt cup on the vacuüm. We have a really nice Shark-Thank The Heavens for that Sam’s Club Deal!-And I emptied it TWICE just from the dog hair from the living room. SHEESH! I helped my mom vacuüm out her truck, then I vacuumed out my car. I got my kids bathed, and the bathroom floor kinda mopped. I mopped the floors too. I could not stop!
I’m trying to tweak my meds so I’m not like this but fuck! I was up until 12 talking to my mom about my Grandparents while we watched a fire. I’m pretty good at fires-ya, self-professed pyro. I was taught by the best. Mom and I talked about ALL kinds of things-and it’s been one of the best conversations we’ve had in a long time. We shared lots of happy memories last night. It really helped, and I hope it keeps me from falling into the chasm I’m currently sitting on the edge of.
I’m starting to get my feels back-and it’s REALLY overwhelming considering for almost 6 months I’ve been dead inside. Like NADA in there. Yesterday I talked to BBF and I just kind of varmitted about my chaos. And I know now that the Trileptal is nixed from my medicine regime I’m a prime candidate for hypomania and even full-blown mania. Yesterday, I was just, emotional. I had so many things flowing through my body for the first time in MONTHS that I almost sat in my car and sobbed-but it wouldn’t come out. Fuck. So I cleaned MORE! What the actual FUCK! I vacuumed off the PLANT STAND. THE FUCKING PLANT STAND! It’s an old Singer sewing table with a marble top on it…and I vacuumed the fuck outta that thing…OMG. Lord help me.
Monkey slept on the couch last night and let me have the bed to myself-which was WONDERFUL! I woke up diagonally-southeast to northwest. Weird. But hey-I SLEPT ALONE! No YAPYAPYAPYAPYAPYAP. I LOVE Monkey, but Cheesus I WANNA SLEEP!
My Mother-in-Law sent me money for the kids to get their school supplies and if she hadn’t done that, I’d be either raging Bitch or puddle of Sass. That’s another thing we did-school shopping. Not bad either. Did supplies one day, clothes the next. Still gotta get a few things, but hopefully DB can get them. There’s like 5 things total they need. I got their hair cut. Monkey donated 10 inches of her hair-and I am SO PROUD of her for that! NSLM had 5 inches cut off AND thinned out. He’s going for the faux hawk thing this year. He looks like he’s 16! GOD HELP ME!
Today I finished the laundry, made tea, and hung the laundry on the line. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the smell of line dried laundry. It smells like sunshine, and reminds me of Gramma. Monkey and I went to my aunt’s to swim-and we were there for almost 6 hours. It was so nice just to enjoy the pool and weather today. After last weeks monsoon that destroyed my cousin’s house, I’ll take this weather! I may just spend the weekend there by the pool. Maybe. I don’t know yet.
I’m still having a fucking issue with this work comp shit. Fucking fuck. I called the woman that handled my case and talked to her, then called my case manager and let HER know what I was told, so hopefully they will get this shit taken care of. I called Vocational Rehabilitation Services to help with getting a job, and they have had so many referrals that they are two to three weeks out before I can even get an intake. That’s ok, I got that ball rolling. My shoulder STILL fucking kills me. Oh-a hand sawed off a tree limb the other day. Why? Because it was dead and was bothering me. I then trimmed the Willow tree some more. I THEN mowed the lawn. Fucking FUCK! I just can’t be bloody still! EEEK I need an atarax I’m itchy! CHEESES this is CHAOS! Oh, and I have no appetite. I don’t wanna eat, because nothing sounds good. And I’m still clenching my jaws so much that I can crack Walnuts. BAH!
My dreams have been weird. I’m trying to rebuild/quarantine everything from Florida. BBF has been helping. She hates that I’m hurting from so much. It fucking sucks. Every night, every day, I tell myself, “I will not let you make me sad. You will not make me sad.” each one is a brick in that fortress wall that he tore down. I HAVE to heal. I HAVE to…let go of the hope. But I won’t ever, EVER forget that love.
I’ve taken my meds, and right now I feel like I could run the addition…FUCKING CHAOS FUCKING HYPOMANIA BULLSHIT.
At least I’m getting my feels back…but at what cost??