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I haven’t been sleeping well lately.  Even after taking my night-time meds I lie there and I think of my marriage and my husband and I’ve come to the realization, that I miss him.  A lot.  I miss my husband, and I want to fight for my marriage.  Maybe taking a break is what we really needed.  I’m finally at a REALLY good point in my life mentally and emotionally.  I can’t say that I’m “stable” but I’m no longer all over the fucking place.

I’ve also come to realize that I am just as much at fault for the breakdown between us as he is.  I am not an easy person to live with, and that’s not just the Bipolar.  I am a bitch, because I don’t take shit.  But-BUT I also was NOT medicated properly.  It’s taken almost 10 years to get here, and he and I have been “together” for 11 years.  I talked to my mom last night and we had a very good talk.  I told her that even after everything he is a good man.  And I’m remembering the happy times.  That’s great considering I was holding on to so much hate and resentment.  But I need to acknowledge that I was a contributing factor.

I am hoping to sit down with him and talk, REALLY talk about things, and to SINCERELY apologize to him.  I want to fight for my marriage.  I also know that in order for that to work he needs to educate himself about my mental illness and know that it’s NOT a copout for when I’m depressed and unmotivated.  Or when I’m all over the place that I need to go to the doctor for a med tweak.  I just really want my husband back.  I miss him a lot.

Yesterday was 18 years that my Grampa passed away.  And my mom and I didn’t fall apart.  That’s a win in our books.  Tomorrow is Gramma’s birthday, so we aren’t COMPLETELY out of the woods, but BOY HOWDY I can see the trees parting.

I updated to Windows 10 yesterday, and while it took Zoe 7 hours, it took me less than 2.  Sorry chicky.  I’m liking Edge, and Groove Music so far.  I just wish my fonts were bigger.

The kids and I went and swam today-the humidity and the temperature were PERFECT today.  I gave may a bath in the cooler-it was awesome, really-and I had such a wonderful time!  We played bumper floats and NSLM and I laughed until my belly hurt.  I told him I needed to tan my fat line.  Maybe I can take the fat and put it in my boobs.  And he says, “That’s…sooooo not sexy.”  I LOVE my NSLM.

I deleted my Young Gun playlist from Spotify.  I have a box to send to Alaska of all of those things that remind me of him.  I deleted all the pictured from my desktop and hard drive, my video diaries and other pics are on a flash drive to send along with hard copy pics I had printed.  I’m moving on-because I think my marriage deserves a second chance.

Oh, the lovely Zoe made me a pretty!  I love her so!  I love all the Volatile Femmes-even Chris 😉BWD-SASS EDITION

Now, I must shower the chlorine and sweat and SPF 30 off before my kids bathe-cuz they take FOREVEERRRRRR.

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