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Oh I’m so glad July is over.  Yesterday was Gramma’s birthday, and the day they buried Grampa 18 years ago.  Mom had a REALLY hard day.  So I shared my orgasmic dark chocolate hand rolled on the legs of lesbians with her and we talked a little bit but not really.  I helped her pull up all the hot biscuits (hibiscus) that had decided to sprout amongst the back yard.  Cute Neighbor Guy took me out to lunch-we went to the Claddagh Irish Pub and it was really nice.  I told the kids to leave May-May be, that she was having a rough day when I left.  I came back and Monkey had made her some women book marks.  She’s so thoughtful.  I came back and talked to mom and dad while dad grilled pork chops and mom and I trimmed bushes and transplanted one from the backside of the house to the west side.  Daddy let me wear his old work boots to jump on the shovel.  It has funny, really 😀  Mom and I were talking and she said she was gonna burn Gramma’s journals she left her.  Gramma left my mom a box after Grampa died and my mom has pretty much had it hidden in the corner in the dark because she just couldn’t handle opening it.  So last night after I came back from my cousin’s mom and dad were by the fire pit, Gramma’s box was on the table and its contents rifled through.  Mom said there were things from when I was a little girl.  I smiled and decided I would look through it myself tomorrow (today).  Daddy and I were quoting Ron White and I laughed so hard my face hurt.  Then daddy took momma upstairs so she could watch his “Unprofessional” show.  I shut my bedroom door because I could hear it, and the last night I remember is hearing “I don’t give a fiddler’s FUCK”.  I laughed into my pillow and drifted off to sleep.  I woke up and helped my daddy make momma coffee, let my puppy dog out, and we quoted Ron White some more. “Never let a Mormon control your gas.”  “Turn in up to CATHOLIC!”  “SHOO BUDDY”  “Y’all coming to the yacht?  FUUUUUUUUCK YA!”  OMG, it was so funny.  Mom and dad packed to go to Manchester today and tonight.  And while they were doing that I rifled through momma’s box, and I found SO MANY PICTURES!  Oh, what a JOY to go down memory lane!  maybe I’ll post some later so you can see just how not pretty I was when I was younger. I wanted my sister to come over so we could reminisce, but she was busy.  Sigh..  I’ve been trying to get my husband to come over and talk, but it’s like pulling teeth.  This is something I HAVE to do, if not to fight for our marriage, but to be able to let go and move on.

I’ve just gotten this determination to get things taken care of.  Things that I need to do without other shit hanging over my head, or getting in my way.  The meds have helped immensely with my clarity, and my mom seems relieved that I have this finally after these last 16 months.  Daddy too.  It’s SO HARD to know that it’s taken 16 months to get to this good place-not quite stable, but good, level.  And to know that I need to apologize for things that I did and didn’t do.  With clarity comes realization, with realization comes humility, with humility comes for asking for forgiveness.

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